Thursday, December 29, 2011

Courage: The Quality of Mind or Spirit

There are many different kinds of courage. And I believe in all of them. I believe that every kind of courage exists in every single person. We have examples of courage from the beginning of history....and maybe from even before that, too. I am not talking about all those "superheros" or all those glorified "I saved this persons life!" here,  people. I am talking about the quiet acts of faith and honesty that press on without notice or pats on the back, but always, even sometimes in the long run, just rewards of personalization. I believe courage is never selfish. It is always good. It is not bravery, but it is fear. It is fear that said its prayers, fear that isn't too scared to climb the mountain in the dark or in the snow without a coat. It is never easy to be courageous - no matter how small the situation may seem. There have been many times in my life when I have been a coward. Afraid to say what I really felt or what I really thought because I was afraid of hurting the person next to me, even if they had already hurt me. Courage comes in all types of colors, even in a mix, depending on the person. It is something we know all too well in movies and never in ourselves. What we don't realize is that we are braver than we think. Because courage isn't always fighting dragons or saving a soldier on enemy lines. Courage is risking your heart for someone, or dressing the way you want, despite what others might think. It is going to an audition or bringing new life into the world. It is when you make that New Years resolution without promise of fulfilling it. It's going off to college on your own or letting someone go and realizing you're just better off alone for now. It is apologizing first or giving up that last piece of cake for someone else. It is giving a child a green bean rather than an M&M, knowing that tantrum is bound to hit at any given moment. It is something humbly worn and never associated with glory. It is quiet, defined, sophisticated, and mobile, forever eternal in every heart - even if it's deep, deeeeeeep down.
It is something I know I will find someday, in my own little way. It is something I know I have.
And so do you.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

I'm Dreaming of A White Christmas

felt much like
Christmas yet. And I
Can't figure out why. I was
thinking that maybe it is because
I don't have a hand to hold, or because
the entire family is not together once again this
year. Then again, maybe it is because I have not done
anything real big for anyone or done anything for charity.I
thought that maybe it was because I didn't decorate the tree with
my family or because I did not get to help put the lights on this year either.
Maybe it was because I didn't get the chance to help mom decorate the house
or go Christmas shopping with her. Maybe it's because there is not any snow or because
I have grown too old to feel the magic. I was wondering if it is because I have lost Christ, but
I know I have not lost him. Maybe it is because I have not read any Christmas stories or listened to
much Christmas music. Maybe it's because there are both good and bad memories on Christmas and
they have all meshed together into one gigantic blob of grey. Or maybe because I need more hot cocoa.
But then I realized that
Christmas is what you
feel or do. It's what you
give. So maybe if I just
keep giving, I'll feel it.
Just maybe...............

P.S. If you don't believe, you don't recieve...

Friday, December 16, 2011

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Joke's On Me

It's interesting . . . the people you meet randomly.

You start talking to this girl who sits near you at lunch and then all of a sudden....POOF...instantaneous BFFs. No looking back.

 One day your partners in Latin Social Dance class and the next thing you know you're going to write him on his mission.

You are in the same Modern Dance class, and Ballet class, and Creative Process class so you decide, why not, I'll talk to her, and then you have some of the best times of your life with that person.

Randomly, you get a text from an unknown number. She's on the same team as you. You have a mutual friend. "Lets go to lunch" you say. You meet. Instant BFFs.

You send a box of cookies and you get a letter back. Heaven knows why but you become good friends. And there's nothing like getting an old fashion letter.

You join a team you didn't even try out for. Because God knows what's best. And you learn something you never knew about yourself, something that surprised you quite a bit...that you have a back bone.

You move away from home all alone and without anyone you know to help you figure it out and you find that you don't need anyone to show you around. Everyone who knew you a year ago or more was're not needy. You are strong and independent. And you realize it's not where you fit in, but where you fit out that counts.

Life is silly. I think that's why I love it so much.

Monday, December 5, 2011

I Can See Clearly Now the Rain Is Gone

Today is the day. It has finally come.
I was looking through my pictures today. Trying to find good ones for a special something. I came across pictures I did not even know I had, pictures I thought were lost. There were people who I missed are remembered. I realized how far I have come and noticed the little choices I made between each picture. They were all so different, each capturing a different moment of my life, of someone elses life.
I have had such a good life.
I realized that today.
So many things have CHANGED around me, inside of me, beneath the very souls of my feet, even.
I am not one who adapts well to change. But I am learning how. I am experiencing change almost every day. Something always pops up.
I've realized change is GOOD. It is. I promise. ( I will keep having to tell myself this...)
I knew it before, but I guess I never really KNEW it like I do now.
It just hit me like a ton of bricks . . . or maybe something heavier . . .
I was in astonished perplexity, just staring back and fourth between photographs, carefully taking note of events and memories and people that floated by each one.
I have accomplished so much, gained so much, have been blessed with so much.
Life is hard sometimes, especially lately. But I find that it is hard because of MYSELF.
The word STRESS is no longer in my vocabulary.
The unfortunate lack of confidence you will no longer find.
I am a new person. And it has taken me many months to realize how much I have changed for the better.
Sometimes I get lonely.
Sometimes I cry, yes.
But I am HUMAN.
I am going to keep believing in LUCK and LOVE and hearty LAUGHTER.
I believe in FATE, REASONING, and more than anything . . . CREATIVITY.
I have finally decided that it is OK to be HUMAN. It is what God intended us to be. Spiritual human beings with wonderful bodies that can run, jump, leap, and even climb Ariel fabrics.
The last year has made me a better person, the last eighteen years, actually.
I have not been grateful like I should have been, or kind, or patient, especially not with myself.
Well, that is all changing today.
Because I realized that I am a daughter of God and that it is only HIS opinion of me that matters.
I am destined for my own kind of GREATNESS of which I have already been working toward.
I am a happy person with a happy heart. And that's all I want to be: Happy.
Something fell off my shoulders today. Maybe it fell off a while ago.
I dunno.
But I realized today that it was gone. That the pain will aways be there, but the heaviness won't.
                                                    Because I won't let it.
                                                                                Because I am strong.
Because I have every right to live the way I believe the way I should.
I have every right to become who I want to be without having to worry about what everyone else thinks of my hair, my clothes, my pale-red freckly skin, or my large range of emotion.
I feel things deeply, I listen to things in a different way. I see through the lens of a camera, and just because I am different does not make me DIFFERENT.
                        I am me.
                                            I am healing.
                                                                       I am happy.
I am going to conquer the world at in my own little way.
                                                                                                              No questions asked.

"Sometimes I just WANT to be
PASSIONATE about something.
I DON'T even KNOW if it's DANCE.
else that comes CLOSE."
I read this today:
     "There, there just in the doorway of Room 119. I can almost see what would have been, what almost was, what might have been if she had said yes instead of no to life. In Room 141. I can only yet see what was; the down-turn of our mouths at that age tells much about how we have worn our faces through time. We cover and cover and cover regrets with thicker paint, until we can paint no more, our hands too arthritic to hold the brush; it all falls away."
       -Pattyi Digh (Creative Is A Verb)
It's time. No more living in the past or the future.
                                      Just the now.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Dance: My Life In A Nut Shell (so far...)

You know those nights when you have so much running through your mind that you toss and turn and can not sleep but your eyes are red from lack of sleep because your mind is running so fast? (wow, talk about run-on sentence...) Well, this is one of those nights where I know if I even try going to bed without getting at least some of my thoughts out, I will end up sleepless and more tired than I already am.
Bad news time...
Today was my last day performing at a football game ever in my life.
It was really cool since it was at the REAL stadium in Sandy, but it was also sad.
My career as a dancer is fastly coming to a close.
That's right. Dance is my life, I know, but I have to let it go.
Dance will always be my favorite thing in the entire world.
Last night I went to the American Fork High School Dance Co. concert. It made me miss being on stage. I don't know how to explain it, but there is something about being on stage with all the make-up and all the lights, performing in a costume and stretching to new heights. Even if there are no people in the seats before you, it still makes up for an incredible moment.
I was stretching in my living room today with the Christmas tree up and all. I totally had a flash back...
When I was younger, my sister, Chrystal, sent me this tu'tu' for my birthday when she lived back east. It made me look like a princess and it was my favorite thing in the whole entire world. It had pink and white tool on the bottom and a white leotard sewn in underneath with white sequence running up and down the front.
I remember one Christmas season I was dancing in that tu'tu' in the living room to the Nutcracker (You see, it has been my life long dream to be in the Nutcracker Ballet as the Sugar Plumb Fairy....*sniff*) My dad walked in and stood there for a moment, watching me. I turned and saw him and sat on the ground, embarrassed. haha. I giggled and he said something. Then I started dancing again. :) It was snowing outside, too. That night I remember I watched the Nutcracker Ballet on VHS.
So, since I had that flash back and seeing the Dance Company made me miss performing on a stage and dancing the way I feel like dancing, I decided to do just that. I turned on my good music and did whatever came to me. It felt amazing. I have not done that in so long. 1. I am too self conscious and 2. I have no where to dance....
I felt like a whole new person. In fact, I felt just that, whole, for the first time in a very long time. It made me happy. Purely happy.
So, here is this one thing that makes me purely happy and I am being forced by my stupid body to give it up.
I remember when I was put into dance at first. I was three and I did not want to go at all. haha....who knew?
It has been fun Mr. Dance.  Thanks for the ride. I had the time of my life. :)

Here are the Ariel pictures I promised so many of you...

Me doing the Flying Squirrel

Me doing the Mermaid.

Me doing the splits in arabesque.

Same as above...

Me doing the Right Leg Roll Around.

Same as above...

More Flying Squirrel...haha

Me getting stuck back flipping out of the wonderful...

My personal favorite: Cross Back Straddles.

Same as above....hehe

Me sort of posing while I'm getting into the Cross Back Straddles...

Me after I did like ten climbs...I'm a lot higher than I look.
I couldn't figure out how to get the pictures to turn....I apologize for any inconvenience...

DANCE.....the part of the soul that no one else knows about...sometimes not even yourself.

I'll miss you old friend