Courage: The Quality of Mind or Spirit

There are many different kinds of courage. And I believe in all of them. I believe that every kind of courage exists in every single person. We have examples of courage from the beginning of history....and maybe from even before that, too. I am not talking about all those "superheros" or all those glorified "I saved this persons life!" here,  people. I am talking about the quiet acts of faith and honesty that press on without notice or pats on the back, but always, even sometimes in the long run, just rewards of personalization. I believe courage is never selfish. It is always good. It is not bravery, but it is fear. It is fear that said its prayers, fear that isn't too scared to climb the mountain in the dark or in the snow without a coat. It is never easy to be courageous - no matter how small the situation may seem. There have been many times in my life when I have been a coward. Afraid to say what I really felt or what I really thought because I was afraid of hurting the person next to me, even if they had already hurt me. Courage comes in all types of colors, even in a mix, depending on the person. It is something we know all too well in movies and never in ourselves. What we don't realize is that we are braver than we think. Because courage isn't always fighting dragons or saving a soldier on enemy lines. Courage is risking your heart for someone, or dressing the way you want, despite what others might think. It is going to an audition or bringing new life into the world. It is when you make that New Years resolution without promise of fulfilling it. It's going off to college on your own or letting someone go and realizing you're just better off alone for now. It is apologizing first or giving up that last piece of cake for someone else. It is giving a child a green bean rather than an M&M, knowing that tantrum is bound to hit at any given moment. It is something humbly worn and never associated with glory. It is quiet, defined, sophisticated, and mobile, forever eternal in every heart - even if it's deep, deeeeeeep down.

It is something I know I will find someday, in my own little way. It is something I know I have.

And so do you.

I'm Dreaming of A White Christmas

It

hasn't

felt much like

Christmas yet. And I

Can't figure out why. I was

thinking that maybe it is because

I don't have a hand to hold, or because

the entire family is not together once again this

year. Then again, maybe it is because I have not done

anything real big for anyone or done anything for charity.I

thought that maybe it was because I didn't decorate the tree with

my family or because I did not get to help put the lights on this year either.

Maybe it was because I didn't get the chance to help mom decorate the house

or go Christmas shopping with her. Maybe it's because there is not any snow or because

I have grown too old to feel the magic. I was wondering if it is because I have lost Christ, but

I know I have not lost him. Maybe it is because I have not read any Christmas stories or listened to

much Christmas music. Maybe it's because there are both good and bad memories on Christmas and

they have all meshed together into one gigantic blob of grey. Or maybe because I need more hot cocoa.

But then I realized that

Christmas is what you

feel or do. It's what you

give. So maybe if I just

keep giving, I'll feel it.

Just maybe...............

P.S. If you don't believe, you don't recieve...

There's just something about coming home...



Joke's On Me

It's interesting . . . the people you meet randomly.

You start talking to this girl who sits near you at lunch and then all of a sudden....POOF...instantaneous BFFs. No looking back.

 One day your partners in Latin Social Dance class and the next thing you know you're going to write him on his mission.

You are in the same Modern Dance class, and Ballet class, and Creative Process class so you decide, why not, I'll talk to her, and then you have some of the best times of your life with that person.

Randomly, you get a text from an unknown number. She's on the same team as you. You have a mutual friend. "Lets go to lunch" you say. You meet. Instant BFFs.

You send a box of cookies and you get a letter back. Heaven knows why but you become good friends. And there's nothing like getting an old fashion letter.

You join a team you didn't even try out for. Because God knows what's best. And you learn something you never knew about yourself, something that surprised you quite a bit...that you have a back bone.

You move away from home all alone and without anyone you know to help you figure it out and you find that you don't need anyone to show you around. Everyone who knew you a year ago or more was wrong...you're not needy. You are strong and independent. And you realize it's not where you fit in, but where you fit out that counts.

Life is silly. I think that's why I love it so much.

I Can See Clearly Now the Rain Is Gone

Today is the day. It has finally come.

Finally.

I was looking through my pictures today. Trying to find good ones for a special something. I came across pictures I did not even know I had, pictures I thought were lost. There were people who I missed are remembered. I realized how far I have come and noticed the little choices I made between each picture. They were all so different, each capturing a different moment of my life, of someone elses life.

I have had such a good life.

I realized that today.

So many things have CHANGED around me, inside of me, beneath the very souls of my feet, even.

I am not one who adapts well to change. But I am learning how. I am experiencing change almost every day. Something always pops up.

I've realized change is GOOD. It is. I promise. ( I will keep having to tell myself this...)

I knew it before, but I guess I never really KNEW it like I do now.

It just hit me like a ton of bricks . . . or maybe something heavier . . .

I was in astonished perplexity, just staring back and fourth between photographs, carefully taking note of events and memories and people that floated by each one.

I have accomplished so much, gained so much, have been blessed with so much.

Life is hard sometimes, especially lately. But I find that it is hard because of MYSELF.

The word STRESS is no longer in my vocabulary.

The unfortunate lack of confidence you will no longer find.

I am a new person. And it has taken me many months to realize how much I have changed for the better.

Sometimes I get lonely.

Sometimes I cry, yes.

But I am HUMAN.

I am going to keep believing in LUCK and LOVE and hearty LAUGHTER.

I believe in FATE, REASONING, and more than anything . . . CREATIVITY.

I have finally decided that it is OK to be HUMAN. It is what God intended us to be. Spiritual human beings with wonderful bodies that can run, jump, leap, and even climb Ariel fabrics.

The last year has made me a better person, the last eighteen years, actually.

I have not been grateful like I should have been, or kind, or patient, especially not with myself.

Well, that is all changing today.

Because I realized that I am a daughter of God and that it is only HIS opinion of me that matters.

I am destined for my own kind of GREATNESS of which I have already been working toward.

I am a happy person with a happy heart. And that's all I want to be: Happy.

Something fell off my shoulders today. Maybe it fell off a while ago.

I dunno.

But I realized today that it was gone. That the pain will aways be there, but the heaviness won't.

                                                    Because I won't let it.

                                                                                Because I am strong.

Because I have every right to live the way I believe the way I should.

I have every right to become who I want to be without having to worry about what everyone else thinks of my hair, my clothes, my pale-red freckly skin, or my large range of emotion.

I feel things deeply, I listen to things in a different way. I see through the lens of a camera, and just because I am different does not make me DIFFERENT.

                        I am me.

                                            I am healing.

                                                                       I am happy.

I am going to conquer the world at in my own little way.

                                                                                                              No questions asked.

"Sometimes I just WANT to be

PASSIONATE about something.

I DON'T even KNOW if it's DANCE.

But I HAVEN'T found ANYTHING

else that comes CLOSE."

-h.m.

I read this today:

     "There, there just in the doorway of Room 119. I can almost see what would have been, what almost was, what might have been if she had said yes instead of no to life. In Room 141. I can only yet see what was; the down-turn of our mouths at that age tells much about how we have worn our faces through time. We cover and cover and cover regrets with thicker paint, until we can paint no more, our hands too arthritic to hold the brush; it all falls away."

       -Pattyi Digh (Creative Is A Verb)

It's time. No more living in the past or the future.

                                      Just the now.

Dance: My Life In A Nut Shell (so far...)

You know those nights when you have so much running through your mind that you toss and turn and can not sleep but your eyes are red from lack of sleep because your mind is running so fast? (wow, talk about run-on sentence...) Well, this is one of those nights where I know if I even try going to bed without getting at least some of my thoughts out, I will end up sleepless and more tired than I already am.

Bad news time...

Today was my last day performing at a football game ever in my life.

It was really cool since it was at the REAL stadium in Sandy, but it was also sad.

My career as a dancer is fastly coming to a close.

That's right. Dance is my life, I know, but I have to let it go.

Dance will always be my favorite thing in the entire world.

THE END.

Last night I went to the American Fork High School Dance Co. concert. It made me miss being on stage. I don't know how to explain it, but there is something about being on stage with all the make-up and all the lights, performing in a costume and stretching to new heights. Even if there are no people in the seats before you, it still makes up for an incredible moment.

I was stretching in my living room today with the Christmas tree up and all. I totally had a flash back...
When I was younger, my sister, Chrystal, sent me this tu'tu' for my birthday when she lived back east. It made me look like a princess and it was my favorite thing in the whole entire world. It had pink and white tool on the bottom and a white leotard sewn in underneath with white sequence running up and down the front.

I remember one Christmas season I was dancing in that tu'tu' in the living room to the Nutcracker (You see, it has been my life long dream to be in the Nutcracker Ballet as the Sugar Plumb Fairy....*sniff*) My dad walked in and stood there for a moment, watching me. I turned and saw him and sat on the ground, embarrassed. haha. I giggled and he said something. Then I started dancing again. :) It was snowing outside, too. That night I remember I watched the Nutcracker Ballet on VHS.

So, since I had that flash back and seeing the Dance Company made me miss performing on a stage and dancing the way I feel like dancing, I decided to do just that. I turned on my good music and did whatever came to me. It felt amazing. I have not done that in so long. 1. I am too self conscious and 2. I have no where to dance....

I felt like a whole new person. In fact, I felt just that, whole, for the first time in a very long time. It made me happy. Purely happy.

So, here is this one thing that makes me purely happy and I am being forced by my stupid body to give it up.

I remember when I was put into dance at first. I was three and I did not want to go at all. haha....who knew?

It has been fun Mr. Dance.  Thanks for the ride. I had the time of my life. :)

Here are the Ariel pictures I promised so many of you...

Me doing the Flying Squirrel

Me doing the Mermaid.

Me doing the splits in arabesque.

Same as above...

Me doing the Right Leg Roll Around.

Same as above...

More Flying Squirrel...haha

Me getting stuck back flipping out of the Lotis...yeah....so wonderful...

My personal favorite: Cross Back Straddles.

Same as above....hehe

Me sort of posing while I'm getting into the Cross Back Straddles...

Me after I did like ten climbs...I'm a lot higher than I look.

I couldn't figure out how to get the pictures to turn....I apologize for any inconvenience...

DANCE.....the part of the soul that no one else knows about...sometimes not even yourself.

I'll miss you old friend



Ode to Sisterhood

I honestly have so much more to do than sit here and blog, like going to the gym. But I decided to read mom's and just coulnd't resist.

I have been thinking a lot about my sister, Chelsey. Of course all of my sisters and brothers are loved the exact same by me with never ending love and wishes of happiness for their future. But there is a fresh new family memeber coming and I can't resist but welcome him in and say what feels like goodbye, but I know really is not, to my wonderful sister.

Chelsey and I are only two years apart. We have had many things in common over the years up until she started junior high. Then we went our seperate ways like sisters do until we come to a crossroads again at some point later in life. We were the typical sisters . . . always fighting and crying and screaming at each other for not asking to borrow clothes, or whos turn it was to clean the bathroom, or how we were sick of sharing a bathroom, blah blah BLAH! Not all sisters fight as ferociously as we did, but we always had the best way of making it up to each other.

I remember one time I was really onary. I was mad at her for some reason. She put her fists up and pretended to punch me and said, "Common, Brotha!" haha... oh man. Every time I think of that it makes me laugh. Even now when I am mad at her she can say that simple phrase and I'm all smiles again.

I remember how Camyll, Chelsey and I used to dance in the living room in the poodle skirts. So much fun. :)

We used to listen to the Beach Boys or Frank Sanatra on Sundays and play Phase Ten or California Speed, or Uno. Sometimes even Crazy Eights or B.S. ^^

I remember I got so mad at Chelsey at one time (a VERY long time ago) that I kicked a hole in my door. Not my best moment, but I still love her just as much, though the door may not love me...oh well.

Chelsey and I used to always stay up late on the weekends when she was still in high school and watch movies until we fell asleep.

I remember when Chelsey and I took piano lessons. I would watch her play and wish I could be just as good as her and Chrystal. Sometimes I even danced in the living room while she played. haha. I was such a silly kid....oh my.

I remember when all of us sisters used to stay up late and play Phase Ten into the morning hours and I would usually be the first to fall asleep. One time we even came up with silly nick-names for each other....oh what a night.

And now they are all married and Chelsey is getting married in only a couple months. I have to admit, I felt sort of left in the dust at first. Although I am happy with my life and where I'm at, I don't know how to talk about marraige or kids. At first I thought about how we will have nothing to talk about, nothing in common until later in my life when I finally catch up to them all as they are phasing into new parts of their lives. But sisterhood is not a relay race or a passing through of people in my life. It is something that stayed a part of you.

I know they'll always love me.

No matter what color I dye my hair or what boy I choose to date.

No matter how fat I get or how weird of an Ephraim accent I aquire.

No matter anything. They'll always be my sisters.

And that's good enough for me.

My beautiful sister and her Fiance.

My beautiful sister and her family.

My other beautiful sister and her darling boy. (I could not find one of her family on my computer.)

:)

Always Yeild to Aircraft

I have begun to doubt myself.

How silly is that?

I mean, I go about my life making decisions and feeling completely spectacular about them and then BAM it hits me.

I read in Creative Is A Verb today a little something about doubting...

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. but there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life." - Alfred Souza

I read this and thought, HE'S RIGHT!

Holy moly!

Smack in the face!

WAKE UP SLEEPY HEAD!

I go from day to day wondering how things will effect me in the long run, trying to make the right choices so  nothing will get in my way eventually.

I didn't realize until today that focusing on the future and the effects of the long run all the time has been steering me away from the present.

I'm living farther than I can reach.

I think I think too much.

Sometimes I think I care too much.

I KNOW I trust too much.

And I really really eat WAY too much.

(In fact I just had french fries and ditched out on the gym...)

I've decided to live in the day.

The moment.

What's the point in living 30% in the past

60% in the future

and 10% in the past?

The only one that patters is the NOW.

I guess I just found my focus.

Now I just have to find my eyes.

Worlds Smallest Violin

It's always weird how

 the person you miss

 is the one you can never tell.

Because they're never there

or they're always too busy.

or they just don't care.

Snow Day

I woke up this morning at eight o'clock, everyone! SLEPT IN! AH! It feels so good to not have six or seven am practice! This is the first time since school started that I have slept in on a Saturday morning during school....wow. I am in shock.
AND to make it even more wonderful, I woke up to snow! I had a sleepover with Caitlin and when I woke up I heard Christmas music outside her room. It is my tradition to not listen to it until Black Friday, but I allowed myself to lay in her bed and listen to the faint Melody of Santa Baby from Nicki's room. It filled me with such a happy feeling. Things have been so crazy lately and for that one moment I felt lighter than a feather.
I got all my stuff to leave and looked out the window to find this...

This is outside my wonderful bedroom window. :)

I can remember when I was younger and would wake up in the middle of September and run to the kitchen window, hoping with all my heart that there would be snow outside for me to run in. But, there never would be. Just greenish brownish grass and yellowing leaves. But, when I would wake up and there would be snow outside, I remember jumping for joy (which is why I became known as Tigger) and trying to contain my energy until I could release it outside in the snow with my siblings.

I remember one December, my siblings and I all got into our snow gear and went into the front yard to play around. I was wearing a green coat and pink ear warmers. haha. I can't believe I remember that...

I also remember a few years ago when we had everyone here for Christmas at last. Chrystal, Jayson, Camyll, Bryt, Chelsey, and I all went outside and tried to build a snowman, but it wouldn't work because the snow was too ... well, not the right kind of snow. So, we build a snow slide and went down it on our disks. haha....That was so much fun. I had no memory of having that kind of fun with all my siblings because they were all so much older than me. But I had a wonderful time that day. :)

One December I remember on Bryts birthday (Christmas Eve), we had a HUGE dinner with all these fancy dishes and table cloths and while we were eating with the candles light and everyone all together the snow was falling softly outside. :)

I remember one snow day when I was sitting on the piano bench, sad about something, and my dad came and sat by me. He put his arm around me and told me something very special that I will not share because it's so dear to my heart.

I remember filling in the gaps between the stairs out by the pond and the fire pit with snow so Chelsey and I would have somewhere to sled. haha. We found such fun out of simple things back then. :)

I remember one year the pond froze over SO good that the waterfall looked like something out of Narnia. I tried to step on the pond to see if I could Ice Skate. haha....yeah...I fell in. Luckily our pond is only, what, one foot deep? haha...

I remember last year getting a real Christmas tree with my mom and dad for the first time in many years. It smelled soooooo good. And I gave that one cute boy my number...haha. What an adventure.

I remember one year when my mom was so sick so me and my sister, Chelsey, tried our best to decorate the house for Christmas. It didn't have mom's touch but it looked good enough. :)

I remember one year I went to the Nutcracker at BYU with Mom, Chelsey, and Liz. And maybe Camyll...? We went a bought me a gorgeous deep purple and gold dress. We bought me one of my first real Nutcrackers after. It was my first time seeing it live instead of on our VHS. I was in my dream land. :)

I remember when we lived in Boston and we walked outside to go to our back yard and sled down the hill where that one gofer lived...haha. Dad had to cut footprints in the snow because the snow was ice. I remember carefully stepping in my siblings footprints because the snow was soooooo high and mom was talking on the phone to someone.

I remember (home videos....hehe.) When we lived in Boston and my mom, was telling everyone back home how much snow there was in one day and it was 18 inches. She tried to explain what a foot was to me and Chelsey, but we both stuck our feet in the air and said, "Grandma! There's this much snow!" haha...

I remember the first time I had wastle.....mmmmm. Now it's my favorite. :) Yum.

I remember going on a horse and carriage ride with my family once up at that one fancy place that I can't remember the name of. haha.

I remember my first Black Friday shopping experience. We went to the mall in Sandy and I experienced my first migraine, but I got everyone their gifts, so it was worth it! haha...

I remember I came out of my Dance Company concert once my Jr. Year with a dear friend and it was snowing so bad that we just sat in the car for a moment and waited.

I remember doing doughnuts for the first time in the snow. Don't worry mom. It wasn't my car and I was not driving. haha.

I remember one snow day I went outside with a dear friend and had a snowball fight. I won, of course....haha. Just kidding. But we built a super cute snowman and it was a good day.

I remember my frist time snowboarding. haha....it was a lot of fun and a lot of hard work. I don't think I've ever fallen in the snow that much in my life...haha.

I remember once all of the family went up to Tibble Fork to go tubing down the hill. Dad and I went down and  we almost went into the river because we had so much speed. Luckily dad stopped us just at the waters edge. haha. What a day.

I remember going to Temple Square with my family and many other people and seeing the lights. It never gets old. Nope. :)

I remember when my dad's family used to the the Nativity scene every Christmas and I was an angle once. Me and Lacey wore our dance costumes from our Christmas concert. haha...

I remember once after a Christmas Dance Concert when I was about eight or nine...maybe ten. It snowed so bad that we had to drive home super slow and stopped at Sizzler for dinner. haha.

Well, enough of that. Obviously, I love the snow. haha. Only 6 more days until we can listen to Christmas music!!!! YAY!!!!!

Happy Snow, everyone. :)

Dear You

I feel like I've been holding on to a misguided ghost. Someone and something that has stayed with me somehow that I need to let go.
I am happy. I am. I have no reason not to be. I have a wonderful life. I have amazing parents and friends. I have the best life I could have persuing an education and having a comfortable living space with food and enough money that I won't starve or go cold. I have so many opportunities in front of me. Everything is laid out ahead of me. I just have to pick a way.
I have been struggling with what to do with my life lately. Figuring out what you want to do for the rest of your life doesn't come easily. I have been back and fourth with dance, make-up, and photography, not knowing which way to go. It doesn't matter what choice I pick or what inspiration I feel I get from God as he leads me down what ever path I need to wander, I always feel like I'm making the wrong choice.
I was talking with my dear friend, Caitlin on Monday night after FHE and she said something that hit me hard enough that I understood exactly what my problem has been.
I have been holding on to something from the past that is holding me back. Subconsiously of course. But still, holding on to it. I had an experience that hurt me so badly that I haven't been able to let it go because I haven't admitted to myself that it actually hurt me.
I have been too stubborn and have put on such a facad with myself that I didn't realize I felt the way I did until someone told me so.
I thought I needed closure over the situation in order to understand exactly what happened to make sense of it in my own mind. But, I realize now that sometimes closure comes from God and no one else. And it doesn't matter how long I wait, I can't wait anymore. There's no point in waiting on something that I have to do alone. This is the only thing holding me back from finding my true self, my true potential.
So, tomorrow is a new day, and it is the begining of the new me. The improved me. The true me without anyone to hold me back.
It won't be easy. And this may take some time.
But it will be well worth it in the end, how ever far away or close the end is.
Caitlin's right, I'm stronger than I think I am. I just haven't quite realized it yet.

Musings of A Common College Student

Ten favorite places to be. . .
1. My backyard at HOME
2. The kitchen (also at home)
3. My car
4. My bedroom
5. Caitlin's house :)
6. The dance studio
7. The park
8. The beach
9. The city

Nine weird things about me. . .
1. I eat like a 12 year old boy who will one day be six foot and brilliantly buff. Only mine goes nowhere. It evaporates.
2. My socks don't match that often. And if they do, it MAY be an indication that I'm in a bad mood.
3. I can't stand dust. It grosses me out. Ewe.
4. I change my mind more than anyone you know.
5. I can't talk to boys. I just don't know how. I missed that training lesson in Heaven.
6. I enjoy most anything. As long as I'm in the mood for it.
7. I like to dance in empty parking lots to whatever music is spewing from my car.
8. I am a neat freak.
9. I feel satisfied and accomplished when I cross things off of my millions of lists.

Eight things I'm going to do this summer. . .
1. Get another job.
2. Eat as many snow cones as I want.
3. Lay in the sun with my ipod in my ears.
4. Dance in my backyard.
5. Practice my camera skills on my various victims
6. Write a million letters
7. Go to some farewells and weddings
8. Watch the sunset and know that someday I'll have someone to share it with.

Seven things I'm thinking of. . .
1. Driving to the Temple with Caitlin after FHE
2. Asking Josh to Snow Ball tomorrow
3. My English homework
4. Registration and my now official major
5. The people I miss. . .
6. Texting Caitlin
7. Calling Melissa (possibly) and wanting to talk to my parents

Six things I'm wearing. . .
1. A red shirt
2. a white tank top
3. My jeans
4. Socks
5. Earrings
6. My rings

Five things I'm worried about. . .
1. Finding the strength to get up for practice tomorrow morning at five. . .
2. The future
3. Registration
4. That I'll be alone the rest of my life
5. That I'll never get a letter back

Four things on my floor. . .
1. My duffel full of dance clothes
2. Pillows
3. My tiny fridge
4. My feet

Three things I want to do today. . .
1. English homework
2. Find time to wind down and meditate and relax before bed
3. Drive to the temple with Caitlin and eat dinner.

Two things I'm willing to reveal. . .
1. I still cry myself to sleep sometimes even though I know I have no reason to because I just need to let it go.
2. That I'm going to miss my sister once she's married off like the rest of my wonderful siblings.

One secret. . .
1. I anticipate the day that....I'm not telling.

~Heard a song I want to make up a dance to. I know it's not my major, but I think it will always be a part of my heart and soul. Forever and always.
~I saw The Young Victoria the other day. It's my new favorite movie. I've decided to live vicariously through chick flicks.

Someday I hope to be as strong as her.

"It's great to be great, but it's greater to be human." - Will Rogers

I have a class called The Creative Process. It's a prerequisite for Choreography (which I am absolutely nervous and so excited for). We have been reading this book called "Creative Is A Verb" by Patti Digh. I have fallen in love with this book. It has helped me realize so much about myself as a human being, a girl, and an artist that I may have not figured out.
There's one particular part or two that have struck me the last few days...
"Turns out that girls do play trombone. And tuba. And sousaphone. And they become astronauts and astronomers and run for president and hope fully, one day, they will learn to become great, not just good - but great in their own private, personal definition of great, not society's. Hopefully one day the generation that has been told they can do anything, will-not because they feel they need to measure up, or be a role model for their gender, or because that's the only way they can gain respect, but because they are following their passion, they want to, because they simply love the sound of low brass. Hopefully one day those who don't remember the days of Old Math (trombones = boys and flutes = girls) will realize that sometimes change starts with a tuba."
She was talking earlier about how her little girl wanted to play the tuba and she thought it was silly because 'girls don't play the tuba.' But she let her and she became this amazing multi-brass talented young lady.
This got me thinking, though. I used to be the kind of kid who'd do things because I wanted to. It didn't matter if people told me that I couldn't do something. I'd do it anyway. (The good things, of course.) I used to not care what everyone else thought. I used to say 'I can too!' and stomp off all excited to prove everyone wrong. I'd play Pokemon at recess because everyone told me I couldn't. I'd try out for things because people told me that I couldn't. But there was always my parents there telling me I could.
Now, here I am heading into the prime years of my life, befuddled because now that I actually can, I'm too scared to. Me, Cassady Christensen, scared out of my mind. Everyone asks me why. Why would I change my mind, why wouldn't I just go for it?
1. What if I'm not strong enough.
2. What if it's not what I'm supposed to do and I make a wrong choice?
3. What if I spend all that time and money working toward that only to find it was a waste of time because I end up figuring out that I want to do something else instead?
4. What if I miss out on another opportunity that was actually the right opportunity when I chose the wrong opportunity?
5. What if I fail?
6. What if I disappoint someone?
What if, what if, what if? BLAH BLAH BLAH!
It's almost like saying "I'll try." You say that because you don't want to disappoint anyone but you know you aren't going to try because it 'really won't work out.'
Well, I've decided I'm going to stop trying. I'm going to start doing. What if that, what if this, WHO CARES!?
Yesterday in Modern II my instructor, Patty, kept saying "Make big mistakes." over and over again when we kept going through a tricky combination. At first I was afraid to make mistakes, especially since after about sixteen years of dance, you'd think I'd be perfect. But, the second time through, I allowed myself to make some mistakes which made my next run-through even better.
So, today, on 11.11.11. I am going to make choices and figure things out. I am going to stop caring what people think, stop loving ghosts, stop saying 'what if' and 'I'll try.' I'm going to start living, start making mistakes, start getting somewhere. Because I want to be my own definition of great and find my passion in life because I WANT to, not because I have to.

GOOD NEEEEEWS!!!!

This week has been an ongoing drag of my long Sunday. And it's only Tuesday...ugh. But, I've had a lot of good news things happen to me in the last two days...
1. I am officially done with physical therapy! Hurrah! I can do all I want now. It still hurts sometimes though. But only about a 2 or 3 out of 10. So I'll just keep icing it and taping it and wrapping it and hope it doesn't rebound. But on the positive note, I'm sure it will keep just getting better. Right?
2. It was warmish today. The sun was out which made it seem warmer, when it really wasn't. But at least it wasn't cloudy! I even opened my blindes to let the light shine in. Didn't even need to turn the light on. :)
3. I've had good meals so far. I've been doing good on my Eat Pray Love mission. The yoga hasn't started yet but I have been trying to take a few moments every day and close my eyes and clear my head. It's been helping me find my balance. Thank goodness. :)
4. I got an unexpected email from a very good friend whom I sort of lost touch with for a while. It was very good to hear from her. :)

5. My friend's sister is getting married this Friday. She took her bridals for her. I decided I could help her out and edit them, so I did. It was a lot of fun. I really enjoyed the process. They said they loved them which made me so happy. :) Here are a few I edited...

6. We got our 3 month schedule for Drill Team and I get the entire week of Thanksgiving off. YAY! This means I get to sleep in for a little bit. How wonderful! :)

7. I achieved a few stunts in Areal today that I have not been able to. I have been struggling with my strength and flexibility. I may not look this amazing, but here are a few of examples as to what I achieved today...

Vertical Spits: I have been struggling with this move for 2-3 weeks now. You hold on with your arms and then bring your leg up to wrap around the fabric. It's all abs and arms. I did it on the first try today. It made me SO HAPPY!!!!

Arrow: This is what you slide down to after vertical splits. It's kind of scary and you don't hold on to anything until after you're all the way down. But it's super fun once you get there.

Flying Squirrel or Half Monty: There are a series of moves you do to get into this position but this is the main point. It is very scary and if you do it at the slightest wrong angle you will fall to your doom. So, I have not had the guts to try it up more than two or three climbs. It's too scary to do from so high. I'm just happy to say "I can do that....he he!"

Anyway...although my spirits might not have been so high and happy today, it was still a good day. Who knows, maybe tomorrow will be better...



Hungry for My Buddies

Today I have been very hungry. But for the lack of my self control over the weekend, I have decided to eat as healthy as I can without starving myself to death. It's very hard considering my metabolism runs a hundred miles a minute and I'm constantly thinking about food. Seriously, though. I think my daily thoughts go like this:
"Hungry. Need food."
"I need to do the laundry."
"Hungry...."
"I wonder what Caitlin's doing..."
"Hungry."
"Crap. What am I going to have for dinner....hmmmm."
"Hungry."
"I need to do my english homework and go over the dance for drill...oh crap. But I'm too hungry to worry about that right now."
And so on.
It's like a never ending train of foodfoodfood. So, as we speak, I am forcing a protein bar down my throat and I think I'll down it with a few grapes. That should last me at least ten minutes, right?
So yesterday I was having a very bad moment and feeling all sorry for myself because I felt so alone as if I hadn't a friend in the world that I could talk to who would know exactly what to say. All those friends are either far away or no longer existant in my life. So, I sat on my bed. And cried. Then I checked my email. And cried. Then I read Elder Alsop's email. And cried. And then I read my patriarchal blessing. And cried. Then I wrote in my journal. And cried some more. Then I texted Madi Minor one of my very best BFFFFFs. Which made me cry even more because it made me realize how truely far away she is. Then, I thought about writing Elder Alsop another letter. So I did. I still cried. But there was something in his letter that made me feel sooooooooooo darn stupid. At the end he said something about how Jesus loves us (or me, in this case). I seriously wanted to smack myself in the face. I was like, "What the heck, Cassady. You are SO stupid." So, I read my scriptures and said my prayers and very soon I stopped crying and fell right to sleep. Thank goodness for that one friend who won't ever leave, even though He's kind of far away, too. :)
P.S. I'm feeling much better today. Except my feet are cold. I think I need to get my super duper warm socks next time I go home.
Some of the people I miss...

Of course there are many more. You know whho you are.

I Want to Be Deryll When I Grow Up

Last week in my Modern Dance II class, we had a chatting session with this choreographer. His name is Darell (pronounced D-ER-E-LL) and he graduated from Julliard and has done many Broadway productions. He told us a brief synopses of his life story and then we were able to ask him questions which he would answer in great detail. I wanted to write down some of the things he said. I wish I had had a pen and paper with me when I was there, but I did not. So, sadly I have forgotten a lot of what was said, but I will try to remember . . .

Q: You talked earlier about following your heart. How do you get to the point where you an trust your gut feeling?

A: It is not something that you grow accustomed to. You have to just go for things. If it's the wrong choice, then you will know what that disappointment and sort of "failure" feels like. Then, the next time you go to make a choice, think of how that gut feeling felt last time you made the wrong choice and it will help you to make the right decision. You are never going to fully trust yourself. We are all human and we have that constant doubt, especially about our own abilities. But if you don't try, then how will you ever know?

Q: Can you tell us about the rejection process in the dance world?

A: Rejection is something that is everywhere in our industry. We are constantly having to stay up on our A game in order to stay fresh and able to compete with the next "best" person. If you go and try out for something it's most likely a 50/50 chance of success. If you get rejected then it's okay to take a day or two to let the sadness take its toll. Everyone has a hard time with rejection. There is no point in trying to hide the fact that you are hurt. Pretending to just shrug it off does not make you strong. What makes you strong is when you let yourself have a few days, eat some Ben and Jerry's, relax, take a break. But then after a little while you have to let that invisible hand pull your shoulders back and stand you up. You have to move forward. But be patient with yourself.

Q: How do you dress for auditions:

A: Auditions are scary, but you have to stick out. You have to be on top of your A game and stand out. Wear something that is easy for you to move in. You don't want to show up in tights and a leotard with a bun if you aren't comfortable in that. And really, I bet no one is comfortable in that. If you want to wear a leo and tights go ahead but you want to look professional, presentable, comfortable, and confident. Wear blacks and greys if you want but also wear a splash of color to stand out. Wear a color that you like.

Q: What makes a dancer stand out?

A: I think that every dancer who truly loves to dance has that quiet fire in them. It's in their eyes. It shines when they move. They have this sort of hunger that they don't care if they are a good dancer, they just want to dance and try to become good at it in the process. They don't care what others think. They just move. They don't compare themselves in a negative way. They always have that constant quiet fire inside of them reaching to burn something else. They don't dance for anyone but themselves.

ADVICE: Don't be ashamed of your roots. Own them. Be not necessarily proud of them but confident that those are the things that shaped you into what you are and continue to shape you into what you will become.

I don't know how to explain it. But his presence alone was just powerful. He had so much confidence. I got to watch him work with the Dance Ensemble for a while one night. I was so amazed at how someone like that could come out of anyone in the world. They just have to work for it. They have to work to become what they want. He has had to work his whole life, but he got to where he wanted anyway. I can't wait to be in his shoes . . . someday. First, I have to figure out exactly what I want to be when I grow up. ;)

Venting and A Realization

So my roommates and I are in here (AKA: My apt. room) having a chat. Because one of my girl friends is going through a hard time right now. You know, boys....sigh. The thing is that I wonder if they realize how hard they make it on us. I mean, I know it goes both ways but really? Really?
Caitlin's boyfriend is leaving on a mission in about nine months. So, she and him are going through one of those 'goodbye' moments. It's hard, I admit. It's hard watching them go through this, but I feel like it's the best thing right now for them.
Kimmie was telling her about her hand cart analogy....
She says that it's like the Women's Pull. Your boys are there to help you at the beginning or at certain points and time. They eventually have to leave for whatever reason. You are suddenly all by yourself with this heavy hand cart. You have to pull it through rivers, the snow, mud, rain, and blistering heat all by yourself. Sometimes you may have another women help you for just one moment. These little things and the tender mercies of the Lord are what pull you through this time as you are on your own. He makes it so you grow and become what He wants you to be so that you are ready for your man's return. There are moments when you can pick things up and throw them in your cart, though. They are your choice and you have to deal with carrying that extra weight. But you can always pick it back up and throw it out of your cart to lighten the weight. It's all up to you.
When your Knight In Shining Armor arrives all refined and shining and smiling with his gorgeous, worthy, sparkling pearly whites and all he has to offer, he will take hold of your cart help you pull it. Maybe he will even attach his steed to the cart. Maybe he will pick you up and let you ride in it for a little while. Either way, he will come and he will help you pull your cart. You won't be there pulling it all by yourself as long as you are doing what you need to in order to meet him eye to eye when he shows up.
( I threw a lot of my own analogies in there, too. But oh-well. It doesn't matter.)
So, this made me realize that even though I may feel a little...okay...A LOT....lonely sometimes and I may not have that certain someone to talk to or to wipe my tears away, or to tell me to stop worrying when I don't need to anymore, eventually I will have that. I will. And I'm not ready for it right now. That's why I don't have it. That's why I don't want to.
The other day I was having a conversation with my mom. It went something like this:
"Don't worry, Hun. Your knight in shining armor will come someday, too." Said She.
"No he won't mom. Because he fell off his steed and it ran him over." Said I.
She laughed. I did too, a little, I have to admit.
So, today I have decided that even though my trust is unyielding and my heart may be locked behind layers of bars and cement, someone will eventually find the key and get a drill and break through it all and get me to open up. Because they were supposed to. Because they're the only one who could do that. OR it's because he will prepare me for the next one to come along who needed me to have an open heart in order to receive his love at the right time instead of being deathly afraid of it.
So, today, I am finally open to the idea that I will eventually be married in the temple to the man of my dreams who will make me angry, sad, worried, but always happy and love me forever.  (yes, mom. You can no longer be worried. But you ARE allowed to be shocked.)
He won't care if I cry during a good movie.
He will love me so much he would be happy to take me to the Ballet just because it'd make me smile.
 He will build me a house if I asked him, because he would want me to be safe and warm.
 He would never let me cry alone, even if I asked him to go away.
He won't care if I hum random tunes to keep myself entertained.
 He won't care that I'm not that homey, but will recognize that I will try my best.
 He won't care if I don't cry in front of anyone but him (and maybe my parents).
 He will respect me because he wants to.
He will tell me i'm not pretty, but beautiful, even when I just wake up or when I'm sick, or when I'm having one of my 'sweats and no make-up' days.
He will love me just because I'm me and that's all he wanted in the first place: me.
I can't wait to meet him, but I have to see the world first. :)

Commence Opperation: Eat, Pray, Love

I have had a lot on my mind the last little while. I feel like I am not able to speak my feelings or my thoughts. It's like my entire being is tongue tied and I can't figure out how to unto the knot. I have been feeling so sad. But I don't have very many reasons to be sad. Only a few and they shouldn't put a damper on my mood like they have been. Should they? I don't know. I just don't know anymore.
I was sitting in the Institute building at a carnival tonight when I had an epiphany. . . What if I took the things that Julia Roberts character does in Eat Pray Love and modified them for my life?
If you have not seen the movie, it is about a soul searching woman who decides to travel to three different countries in the space of a year. She goes to Italy to gain back her appetite for food and for life. She travels to India to visit an Ashram and learn how to think clearly, and forgive herself for the things she's holding on to. She finally goes to Bali where she visits and old friend and learns more about herself and learns how to trust herself and trust others again.
MY ITALY:
Since I cannot travel to Italy at this present time, I have decided to do something a little different. I have decided to eat healthier. I am a pretty healthy eater as it is, but I have decided to watch my portions. If I get hungry I'll snack more on veggies and fruits. I'll eat protein bars to keep my hunger in check and try and have an egg and toast for breakfast in the mornings every now and again.

MY INDIA:
I am going to start meditating and maybe doing Yoga on my free Saturday Mornings or before bed every now and again. Not anything long. Just a few balancing and stretching exercises and then meditate for at least ten minutes. (I figure the meditating part could be good for Sunday's.) Hopefully this will help clear my mind and maybe help me listen a little more to the Holy Ghost with all the quiet around me.

MY BALI:
I have no medicine man to visit and no Brazilian man to fall in love with and dramatically change my outlook on them. So, I have decided that I am going to pray more fervently. I pray, yes, but I could do better. I have also decided to write in my journal once a week or twice a month. Last but not least, I am going to write down one good thing that happens every day before bed. I am also going to try and finish Life of Pie.

Here is my good thought for today:
  It's raining outside just for me. It's even the perfect temperature for rain, not too hot, not too cold. Jacket weather. Just right.

I hope this helps me. I guess we will see. I think it might be kind of fun. :)

P.S. Smile with your head, with your heart, even smile with your liver. :D

Two Down, A Million to Go

Yesterday I crossed to things off my bucket list at once:
1. See Ballet West perform at least once in my life.
2. See a professional performance in the Capitol Theatre.

There's nothing like the hustle and bussle of a performance.
From the Dancer's Point of view:
Everything is fast. You wake up and before you know it it's time to be there.
You rush to get there, making sure you aren't forgetting anything. Including extra bobby pins, safety pins, hair spray, and lip stick.
You walk through the stage door and everything is instantly chaos. Everyone is rushing to get their hair and make-up done. You say hi to your fellow Corps De Ballet and rush about back stage, hoping to get everything done before warm up.
you get to warm up and everything seems to calm down, even your heart beat. You focus on you and your body, making sure that you don't miss out on anything it's trying to tell you. You want it to have a healthy, safe performance.
You run through last minute changes and go over spots where mistakes have happened.
You put on your costume, finally looking and feeling like the part you've worked so hard for up until now.
You circle up, point your toe, cross your arms, and say a prayer.
You get some Rassin on your point shoes, hoping you don't get too much to stick or too little to slip. Your heart begins to beat faster and faster. Everyone is running around back stage, hurrying to their Que positions.
The orchestra begins to play and a chill runs from your head to your toes. The curtain opens, your Que goes, and your on stage. Your heart beats with the music, calming itself because it knows you are home.

I went and saw Dracula by Ballet West yesterday with my mom and my good friend Caitlin and her mother. It was so much fun! I couldn't believe I was really there, watching it, until it was over. I felt like a million bucks. I can't dance so seeing someone else dance like that made me feel just a little better. :)

I hope to look like her someday....

I'll Send You Light and Love and Drop It, And Then I'll Smile, Even With My Liver . . . Without Being Afraid

I woke up this morning, happy. So, I do not understand what is wrong with me now. I am a happy person. Life is wonderful! I honestly have nothing to complain about. I mean, there are stupid things that happen. But bad stuff happens to everyone. So why is it that today I feel like this?
I think it is because everything is catching up to me and I need a break. I need a break from school so I can have time to deep clean my apartment like it so desperately needs. Cleaning helps me think. It's like my way of meditating.
I also think that I am finally realizing that I am so sick and tired of worrying about everything. Lately, everyone I meet tells me how positive and happy I am. They tell me I'm exciting to be around and I can be down to earth. They tell me they enjoy being around me, blah, blah, blah. Well, that's wonderful! I'm so glad that everyone feels good around me. I hope they are being honest. Because I just want to make everyone happy. But I think that there are days when you just need to focus on making yourself happy, without doing it selfishly.
I have not danced all week and when I talked to the head of the Dance Department about it, she said, "You must be going through all of the emotional stuff, too, then, huh?" I about cried because I knew she understood how I felt when I confirmed that I was. Although it may not be what I'm supposed to do in life, how can I not dance? Who would I be without it?
I got a migraine about an hour ago. I felt it coming on and didn't have any Excedrin near by, so I had some water and closed my eyes, and brushed my fingers through my poor, sickly, wonderful, best friend's hair while we watched Eat Pray Love. It's gone now, thank goodness. But it's only gone because I prayed. :)
I don't feel like going to church because I (once again) have no one to sit by. That's okay. I actually don't mind sitting alone all that much. But after a while I'm afraid people are going to look at me sitting alone and wonder what is wrong with me. Ha ha. Once again, I'm worrying.
I had a wonderful night last night, but because my wonderful BF was sick, I was worried about her the entire time. And I'm so afraid to let someone back into my heart that I have had a hard time enjoying the company around me lately. I'm sick and tired of worrying about everything and being too afraid to enjoy the moment and taking a risk at getting hurt.
So, today I am going to watch my Peanuts episode about Halloween like I do every year. I am going to call my mom/dad and possibly my sisters (which, Chrystal and Camyll, I apologize for being a flake. As you can see, I have had no excuse) because I miss them and because I can. And because I need to try and put a little sunshine into someone else's life instead of worrying about my own. I am going to eat the rest of my raspberry's, make a grocery list, make my collage for a class that I completely forgot about (I know Dad, I am supposed to try and avoid Sunday homework, and trust me. This is either the first or second time. So I won't make it a habit, don't worry.) I am going to write another letter to a certain someone. I am going to send them light and love every time I think of them and then drop it. I am going to go to take a bath and maybe write a little of my book I have given up on (but no longer will I give up on something I love, so I'm going to write it no matter who thinks what). I am going to massage my leg with ice because I desperately need it to get better so I can dance again. I am going to edit some pictures from a photo shoot I had with Caitlin (a spontaneous thing. I am beginning to be a spontaneous person....I have to admit it's exciting.) I am going to prepare myself for tomorrow and the next three days of school. I just have to get through two and a half days and then I can drive home and sleep on a comfortable bed and help make dinner and see old friends and feel at home.
I am going to pray better than I have in a while because I owe it to Him, and I am going to write in my journal since I haven't since July.
I'm going to smile with my mind, my heart, and, yes, even with my liver.

What If

I am having one of those days where my heart can't say what it wants.
Why?
Because it's scared.

It's not scared of the answer it will recieve or the presents that will come about. It is afraid of the possibility. The possibility of all that hard work of hours and hours, in fact, almost a year...of putting the tiny pieces back together from every other last moment. If I have a first moment, then there will be a last one. But if i keep it all the same, as easy as clockwork, then nothing will happen. And that's the way I want it.

Isn't it?

But what if it isn't?
What if? What if? What if? Who came up with that question? It haunts all my day dreams. What if there were no "what if's?" Then everything would be better. Right? Or wouldn't it?
What if I could wear anything I wanted, even though it didn't match. Or say what I felt, even though no one would agree. Or dance my heart out, even though some would rip me down. What if I ate what I wanted, even though I know it would catch up with me? What if I started taking pictures again, because it's what makes me happy, even though I don't feel as good as someone else. What if I started putting my thoughts down on paper, even though I know they won't come out right. Like right now. What if....that's a big question. One that always needs answering and will never be answered until you put your parachute on and dive.
But what if your parachute doesn't work or you just don't have one?
Then I guess something will turn up. The fear of falling is always there until you hit the ground. But then what?
Do you fall like a leaf and discinigrate or freeze. Or like rain, perfectly clear and splatting on the ground. Or do you fall like a star and dive into some unknown place full of newness. Where will you land? Concrete, grass, snow, dirt, space, in a pile of feathers or on a pillow. In a hole or on a blanket.
Who knows, maybe you'll land on a hot air balloon or grab ahold of a birds feet. Maybe you'll even grow wings of your own.
Maybe.

I guess I'll know when I get there.