Sunday, February 27, 2011

Race Track

The starting line's the easiest, when you can't see up ahead.
But then when you start running and hit the first odd curve,
You start to see the future and you wish that you were dead.
The long stretch creeps up underneath your fumbling feet.
It starts to make to weary and as nervous as can be.
But when the second curve approaches and your heart starts to beat,
You're not sure you'll survive alone or if you can keep moving.
That's when you pray and wings appear beneath your shoulder blades.
And you fly all the way to the finish line
And return a'smiling.

I Think; Therefore, I am.

I woke up this morning crying from a sad dream I had. The day got better, thank goodness, but I laid in bed for about a half hour and contemplated for a moment.
I've been accepted to snow, I've gotten everything taken care of except my classes, I'm pretty much done with HS, and things seem to be changing and going by way too fast and yet, not fast enough.
I realized this morning that after graduation, half of the people I know now are the people that will never speak to me again. I will probably never see them again in this life time and who knows about the next life.
There are so many people I wish I could have left better or that I wish I would have made a difference to, or made an effect on. There are people that I wish I could talk to before they disappear forever into the unknown, never to be heard from again.
The people I've had close relationships with will either stay in touch with me for a little while and then go off on their own lives, or they'll stay in touch with me until we get too old to know what's going on or die.
I guess I just find myself wishing I had done things differently. But that's where I have to stop my thoughts and realize that life is what it is. The past is past. Things I've done, the people who have left fingerprints on me and I on them, the words that have been exchanged, the things people have done to me and I to them, the awkward moments I've had, my first date, my first dance, my first day of high school, my first kiss, my first class presentation, my first performance, my first competition, my old group of friends, my new group of friends, my new random friends, EVERYTHING is all in the past. I am who I am, I will be who I will be. Same goes for everyone else. All I can do is hope that I've left people better off than when I found them. And, if I didn't, I sincerally appologize and hope you can forgive me.
My very best friend. She always leaves me feeling better about myself.

My childhood friend. She always knows what to say.

My frist dance...certainly a melancholy feeling with this one.

One of my favorite dances.

Been my friend since I was 3. We always get along. Thank Heaven.

Some of my amazing new friends. They're more than I could have ever asked for.

My first concert.
MOTTO: Never look back.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


I've been trying so hard for what feels like forever to write something on here. (partially because if I don't I'll get a bad grade on my 1500 words that are due tomorrow...) The cursor has been blinking at me in mockery. I've been reading gorgeous poetry by Ray Bradbury and John Keats the last week and I guess I've become a little jealous. Sometimes I wish I could write like them, but then I realize that I do love to write and I'm okay at it I guess, but my forte is not with a pen, but with my feet. Or, rather, with all the lovely appendages God gave me.
I guess I have writers block. Because I haven't been able to choreograph, either. It's absolutely killing me since I'm running out of time. The more I put it off, the more showings will sneak up behined me and bit me in the butt. Which, then I will release a flurry of profound (yet, not so profound as to offend) words and run around like a chicken with its head cut off. Or maybe that's what I need: pressure. Maybe I work better under pressure. Maybe that's why I'm writing this right now, or maybe that's why I will be able to choreograph in due time. It all relates back to pressure.
Speaking of pressure, I'm feeling quite a lot this week. Try outs inch closer every second. I'm starting to do what I just described above, except I have the dance, I just don't feel like it's good enough. Or maybe it's that I feel like I'm not good enough. Well, I know that's a lie. If I don't make it, it's not that I'm not good enough, but that it just wasn't right for me. But, then, what is right for me? That's a question I find myself constantly asking my subconsious. I think my subconsious hides things from me. It knows things and likes to play hide-and-seek with me in order to keep me working for what it knows I want. I think that's why I've been so drivin to put myself in painful and difficult positions, because I know I have the gas to do it. I just need to put key to ignition and foot to peddle.

Friday, February 18, 2011

RIGHT NOW AKA:Don't Read This . . . It's Completely Pointless . . .

Right now, Jacey is sitting on my farthest left, Amber is sitting next to her, closer to me, Maddie is sitting between Amber and me, and I am sitting next to Hannah. They are all playing this video game. I, of course, am playing on Jacey's laptop. Why? Because if I were to try and play a video game, well, I'm just going to say it. There'd be no point. At all. What-so-ever. Why? BECAUSE I TOTALLY POWN AT VIDEO GAMES! (Actually I lied, I fail at them, but I fail in style!)
We just went to Kneaders. I ate so much I almost died. I laughed so hard there. I haven't laughed that hard in months. It felt so good. All thanks to my fabulous friends. I almost forgot how good it feels to laugh that hard.
haha. Jacey got like, one point from beating her record! whooooooooooooooo! Jaccccceeeeeeeeyyyy!
I think if I were to be in this video game (which is Mario Party) then, I'd be Peach or Daisy, Jacey would be Toadette, Amber would be Louigi, Maddie would be Peach or Daisy, and Hannah would be Mario. haha. I don't like the fact that I'd be a princess, but it's who I am, I guess!
Well, this is completely pointless, so I'm just going to stop talking now.
Have a wonderful Friday, Casper.


Its times like this I want to kill you.
But if you'd die, I'd die.
But if I died, you'd live.
But you tell me otherwise.
But I'd die not knowing whether you'd die
but I'd die knowing if you wouldn't.
Why wouldn't you if you say you would?
Why would you if you say you wouldn't?
Or is it both?
Or is it neither?
For me, it's back and forth.
For me, it's undecided.
For me, it doesn't matter.
Not to you.
Not anymore.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Heart Over Mind Over Matter

I had a good day. Then I came hope and got busy doing some things until I realized I hadn't checked my gmail account in what seems a year or more. So, I decided I'd check it just to delete the junk and dust it's proably colocted. When I opened it, I found some things that I was not expecting at all.
It just made me wonder. The timing of things always seems so . . . well, the way God wants it to be. The emails I saw could have saved me a lot of greif, so why didn't I see them before when they could have helped me more?
Here's what I figure: God knew I could have the easy way out. But, he decided to test me to see if I'd take the easy way out. I was stupid enough not to take the easy way out first and things just got more complicated. He decided that since I went with the more complex route, he'd throw in a few more things randomly and see how I handled them, because he knows I can. And that's just what I have to keep telling myself.
I was at dance with my PT (personal Trainer) tonight, and I was already tired and my body has been so worne out and in pain from all the working out I've been doing. Well, she had me do a releve' combonation that went on for I don't know how long. But it hurt like crazy. I almost started to cry (p.s. it was the second day in a few years I wasn't wearing a knee brace so my knee wasn't very happy with me either.) but then I realized that yeah, the combonation was arduous, it took a lot of effort and really tested my endurance and strength, but because I knew it was something that would benefit me (if I could take the good things out of it), then I could do it, challenge or no challenge. So, I didn't cry, I stared the wall down and squoze my muscles with all my might. I'm insanely sore already and it hasn't even been 2 hours, but I'm already noticing the effects.
I guess we just need to look at the bigger picture sometimes and realize that what isn't easy is totally worth it in some way or another.

Maybe Someday . . .


Poetry is one of my favorite things in the world ever. And so is smiling. So they both go insanely well together. This is one of my favorites. :) Hope you like it, too.

by Richard Wilbur

Your smiling, or the hope, the thought of it,
Makes in my mind such pause and abrupt ease
As when the highway bridgegates fall,
Balking the hasty traffic, which must sit
On each side massed and staring, while
Deliberately the drawbridge starts to rise:

Then horns are hushed, the oilsmoke rarefies,
Above the idling motors one can tell
The packet's smooth approach, the slip,
Slip of the silken river past the sides,
The ringing of clear bells, the dip
And slow cascading of the paddle wheel.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Just A Little Peanuts


I woke up this morning in a very good mood. For some reason I couldn't get my smile from my liver to my face. But, as the day went on, it slowly snuck up on me and popped out, thank goodness! I went about my day thinking of things that were positive and really trying to make everyone else have a good day. I don't know if I succeeded in making anyone's day, but I tried, and if I didn't, I'm sorry, I'll try every single day from here on out!
I went to lunch after school with Jacey. Ah, Jacey, what can I say? I love her to death. Seriously. I swear we were ment to be friends. For some reason or another God gave her to me, thank goodness! Thanks to her, my valentines day was a great one. Not to mention all my wonderful friends at school who just so much as smiled at me and waved or said "hello." They all had a special part in making my day in some way or another.
I wasn't expecting to get anything today, but, Jacob R. gave me a paper heart. Whether he cut it out just for me or he cut them out just to give away to people I don't know. But, I don't care either, because it made my day.
I had enough time today to clean out some shelves and dust my room. It felt so good! And I found some CD's I have been looking for for months, even years. I'm so glad I found them.
I went to dance and came home feeling pretty good. Dance and I are like peanutbutter and jelley or tuna and pickles, we just fit together and taste good together. Dance is my valentine.
When I got up onto the porch, I looked down and saw an adorable white teddy bear, three beautiful white roses, and a card. I picked it up, expecing it to be for my mom or something, but the card had my name on it and I about died. haha. I couldn't believe it. I rushed inside, tour open the card, and found a thoughtful card and a thoughtful sentence written inside. I don't know who you are because apperantly you want to remain unknown, but your thoughtful act of service put a smile on my face and was deffinately the cherry on top. Thanks so much.
And thanks to all my wonderful friends. I feel like I take you for granted sometimes. I hope you know how much I appreciate you! It was truely a great day, the sun was even out.
Happy Valentines Day. <3

Sunday, February 13, 2011


Valentines Day is a day when lovers exchange gifts and signs of affection. It is a day when so many feel so special, and yet, many more feel so small and lonely. I am going to be honest, I am one of those people who would gladly boycott the ruthless day and be gone with it. Why? Well, I have my reasons, and they are good reasons, but of course, they are reasons that can be argued against. And, as much as I loath admitting it, I'll probably, and I want to intensify the word PROBABLY, find someone is worth my time and money to spend for on the red day.
Of course, there is no stopping it. This day is estimated to have been around since 270 BC. If it's lasted this long, then it's never going out of business. Sometimes I wonder how many of these days I'll have to spend alone or with my future 80 cats and 23 dogs, watching black and white romance movies and eating Ben and Jerry's until I pass out. What I'm trying to say is that, for many of us, or maybe it's just me, Valentines Day is a day when you wake up wishing you were sick so you didn't have to go to work or school and see everyone with roses or valentines and you are sorrowfully empty handed. Well, I'm going to shock you right now by telling you that there is hope! There is! I know, I didn't believe myself either when I told myself that, but I now believe my inner-self that whispers of a future valentine.
He's out there, waiting for me. Well, at least, he better be, or he's grounded for life when I find him. Every lonely girl (and guy) all have a special someone out there. Someone who will one day give them a kiss and take them for a romantic candlelight dinner, or serenade them on this holiday. The day is coming, I wish I could be stubborn and say it isn't and that I will never find him, but, I can't lie, even to myself, and neither can you.
So, I challenge you, whom ever you are, even if you're no one and I'm writing to myself, to do something for someone. Make someone else's dreaded Valentines Day the greatest day out of their year. Make them cookies, tell them how grateful you are for them, pick up their books for them, turn something in for them at school, compliment them (wow, I just had De Ja Vu for the 2nd time today!), smile at someone like you've never smiled before, just do something!
Instead of wishing you had someone special to give you something on this February 14th, give someone something instead. It doesn't have to be your heart, just let them know you have one and make theirs smile in return. :) Happy Valentines Day, you're wonderful to me . . . no matter what. <3 <3 <3

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

Yesterday was one of those days where everything went wrong. I called my mom and complained to her and she said, "You know that song 'Mama Said There would Be Days Like This'? Well, today is one of those days and you just have to nip it in the butt." or something along those lines. So, instead of stating all that went wrong, I'm going to make a list of all that went right . . .
  • I woke up alive and breathing
  • Dad took time out of his morning to make me delicious eggs for breakfast
  • My car worked and so did the heater
  • I found a parking spot at school
  • I was on time to class
  • I got several hugs
  • I was told I am loved
  • I went to seminary
  • I got two extra points plus 100 percent on my chemistry quiz
  • I had a lunch
  • I had several people to choose from to associate with at lunch
  • I had the ability to dance
  • I had a water bottle
  • Dad cleaned off my car for me this morning
  • I had enough gas to get me through the day
  • It was sunny this afternoon
  • People liked my boots
  • I ate a banana to help my muscles not cramp up so much, it helped.
  • I got an education
  • I was forgiven
  • My prayer was answered
  • I had two dinners
  • There were napkins in the Arby's sack
  • I called my mom
  • My dad called me
  • I was charged for only 30 min of a private lesson instead of an hour, including studio rental fees.
  • I danced some more because I could
  • I listened to amazing music
  • I was told an amazing thing by my dance substitute that she didn't know I needed to hear.
  • I took a HOT bath
  • The basement was the perfect temp.
  • I danced without my knee brace
  • I found some chap stick and a quarter in my night stand
  • I had time to get on here
  • I had time to retype this after I accidentally deleted it
  • I got to bed before 12 am
  • I read incredible Scriptures
  • I watched some of the game with dad
  • I'm still alive and breathing.
We are stronger than we think we are. When the wind tries to blow us away, we just need to turn around and catch it. Or, as my mother would say, turn around and nip it in the butt. :)

Monday, February 7, 2011

Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head

I've been told by a few people that I should make a blog . . . so, here it is . . .
Today, it rained. Blunt statement, I know, but it did. I wanted to stand in the rain and get soaked in it. So, I stood outside my car door and ignored the fact that I probably looked like an idiot to anyone who was watching, and let the rain run down my face and create small puddles in my hand. Rain is truely one of my favorite things ever. It's always been good to me. It always allowed my imagination to run wild as a kid, it always rains when I'm sad, it used to always rain when my family would go to Fazolies for dinner, it almost always rains when I go to Jacey's house, my first kiss was in the pouring rain, i've seen the most amazing colors in the sky while it rained, everything's always so rich in color afterwards, it washes off my car when it's dirty,there is almost always a rainbow for someone at some angle, it washes my tears off my cheecks and the frown from my face, it sings me to sleep occasionally, it makes my hair curly just the way I like it (better than the way I have to fix it after a shower), it feels good on my tounge, it's water that i'm not afraid of, it takes away loneliness, it's extraordinarally fun to dance in, and it always makes me feel closer to God somehow. In other words, i'm incredibly greatful for rain, and it surprises me that it's taken me this long to realize how useful it's been in my life.
People are like raindrops to me. They all have their own little beam of water that hits something in some way or another. Sometimes they evaporate in mid air and have to wait to reaturn in the cycle, other times they freeze and have a greater impact on what they hit than they expected. What kind of raindrop are you? There's no way around it, today, I am in love with rain.