Wednesday, February 29, 2012

See You Soon

I suppose I am not quite sure what to say.
I mean, it's only two years right?
A lot can happen in two years. And my heart isn't signed off to anyone . . . mostly.
Everyone kept telling me it was going to be hard. But it was not until yesterday when I got my last phone call that I realized it was really truly the last time I may be hearing his voice.
Ever. Or possibly for two years.
Maybe I don't want it that way?
Maybe I want things to work out.
But I guess sometimes what you want is not what you need.
But then again, sometimes it is.
I'll just keep telling myself that God knows best and that two years goes by faster than I think.
Because it does . . . . when you don't think about it anyway . . . .
I'm going to miss that boy. He is such a strength to me.
He helped me figure out how to stand on my own two feet.
How to believe in myself when no one else will.
He brought me up when others brought me down.
But I guess now is the time to become more self reliant than I have already become.
Now is the time to figure out who Cassady is and have those grand adventures I've always wanted . . . even if they're in my parents back yard because I can't afford to go anywhere else . . .
Everything will be okay.
It will.
I can do this.
I am strong.
I can stand on my own. I've proven that.
Now's the time to make the most of being young and alive.
Love takes you places you never think you'd be.
And this is one of those places for me.
I owe him my life and my ever constant gratitude.
Only time will tell.
Good luck Elder Nielsen . . . .
 I'll be thinking of you, love.
 :) <3 <3 <3

Today's Song: World Spins Madly On by The Weepies

Love Always,

Monday, February 27, 2012

Somewhere Out There

It is amazing what will come to you when you are laying in your car, looking out your windows at the night sky, parked in a significant spot where you always seem to think better.
Somehow it is always those moments when something clicks and you gasp, all-knowing. 
Then again, other times you just lay there, silent, thinking what you did wrong, or what you did right.
It is those moments in time that are misunderstood. They are looked over for what they are:
Moments of Deep and Insightful Intellect.
These are the moments where you decide things, regret things, get over things, remember things, miss people who are gone or who are leaving, and say things that at any other moment would not be relevant, or maybe wouldn't even come about. You think things like whose heart will be my home, where will I be in ten years, what do I really want for myself? You feel fear and excitement all at once. It is moments like these that I am grateful for. 
Especially when a good friend is next to you and there are brownies involved. 

Quote of the Week: "Believe you must take your chance."
Song: Thistled Spring by Horse Feathers

Love Always,

Sunday, February 19, 2012

{ CHANGE } vb.

Change is something I have never been very good with. We do not go hand in hand. In fact, I think we might be mortal enemies. Either way, there's no stopping it. Change is inevitable.
The thing about change is that it scares the church is true (thank you, Caitlin) out of me. Why? Because I have plans. I make plans. I have a day planner. I plan plan plan and go go go. And then change is like, "WHOA" and I'm all, "Oh, No you didn't!" (just pretend that was in a black girl accent...) and it's all "Oh, yes I did, honey." and then I cry. 
The End.
I guess change is good though. Well, not I guess, it is good. Change is good. I just hate the process. It seems you always lose someone or something with change. It gives me a headache. Sometimes heartache, too. But change is change. What can I do? It thwarts my plans and creates a mess out of me. All I can do is have faith that God has faith in me to know where I'm supposed to go, to know what I'm supposed to do, and to have the courage and the strength to do it. At least he has faith in me, because sometimes I doubt myself. We all do, I guess. 
My favorite quote ever: Be the change you want to see in the world. - Gandhi
One day I will live up to this saying. Just wait and see.

Song of the day: Holocene by Bon Iver (my favorite. He's amazing.)

Monday, February 13, 2012


My sister is getting married. And I mean THIS WEEK, people. I'm not even the bride and I feel like it all happened so fast. It was always going to be me and her, single forever, right? Ha. No. Childhood must die one day. For her, that day is Friday. For me....uh, well, who knows?
Everyone keeps coming up to her and saying their congratulations and then they turn to me and say things like "Just you now, huh?" or  "You're next!" or annoying things like that that I've heard countless times. The thing I wanted to say every time is "No, not really." or "Probably not." or "Keep dreaming, Cinderella." But that's just the thing. It hit me yesterday.
I'm It. I'm all that's left. Just me. All alone. Waiting. Ever so patiently waiting to be as happy as the rest of my siblings with someone to tell me it's okay when bad things happen and with someone who will love you despite how gross it sounds when you are sick and you blow your nose or when you are disgustingly giving birth and they pass out but still say you look as beautiful as ever.
Don't get me wrong! I am in no rush, no hurry to get married and be tied down to someone for eternity. Because eternity, believe it or not, is a long time, people. A VERY long time and I want to make sure I find the right person. I don't want to be stuck with a hedgehog the rest of my life.
I saw this quote the other day that said, "I wish I could fast forward . . . just to see if you're worth the wait . . ." That is so true, though, isn't it? Here I am with all the other single, lonely girls who have boys who come and go and all you get is what? A lesson learned? I mean, that's great and all, but does it ever get any better? Is there ever a point where you can say, "Wow. Even the most annoying thing about you isn't annoying to me. I don't care that you chew with your mouth open, it's totally hot. (which is a lie cause that's such a turn off, but still!)" Are you getting me, here?
I guess last night on my way back down to college, I had a long talk with Caitlin.
I have been stuck in this tiny black hole, searching for any way to get out. And I think I finally figured it out. (QUICK, get all the physics people! Breaking news!)
Time to be honest with myself. Ready . . . GO!
Relationships scare me. TO. DEATH. The End.
The whole commitment thing and all the fuzzy feelings and the "Well, I just don't like you anymore." and all that crap just seems to get in the way, tends to make everything so complicated and messy, and, yes, extremely hurtful. So hurtful in fact that all those darn past relationships made me not want to get married. What is the point of spending your life with someone when you can never 100% fully trust them with your life, or your heart? What is the point in putting that ring on that fragile little finger when all that has to happen is a bunch of stupid stuff to make the ring come off permanently?
Well, my friends. It's as simple as this.
I realized that someday when the time is right and the person is right and I fully trust that God knows what he is doing, there WILL be someone I can make promises to. There will be someone who would jump in front of a gun for me. Someone who will understand my awkwardness and make me feel like the person I've always wanted to be. There will be some handsome guy who will make me smile when he isn't around and who will leave such a deep, clean cut, precious print on my heart that I'll trust him enough to give it to him forever and know that he will never ever break it. Someday I'll have a fancy reception, too, and cheesy pictures outside the temple that make people gag with tears and happiness as they see us glowing. I will have someone who loves me for me and all those stupid heartbreaks and boys and people who you thought mattered so much actually won't matter at all.
Someday there will be that someone who will calm my fears and take my hand and walk with me, side by side, toward home for the rest of my life and on.
If it weren't for a recent and very dear friend, I wouldn't have realized this. But of course everyone meets for a reason, right? So, thanks, dear friend. No matter what happens, I'll always be thankful to you. :)
So here's to faith, and love, and all that fuzzy stuff.
"To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living balanced life."
-Ketut (Eat, Pray, Love)

Wednesday, February 8, 2012


I have found that it is incredibly hard not to compare yourself to others. Sometimes I don't feel as funny, beautiful, smart, clever, witty, charming, experienced, talented, cultured, or as spiritual as other people. It is surprisingly difficult to ignore what is in your head or what people say to you - especially when it's negative. Someone once told me to let things roll off my shoulders. But I think personal doubts and all that stupid stuff really brings a person down. It's hard to roll all that off your shoulders because it isn't on your shoulders, it's in your head.
In yoga we talk about opening your heart and releasing all your cares into the universe, sucking in all the positivity and good from the world. I have been fully supportive of this exercise from the get-go. Why? Because I WANT that. I WANT positivity and love and light in my mind, in my heart, and in my life. THANK GOODNESS for yoga and all the wonderfully fantastic things it does in my life. Seriously, I'd do it every day if I had the time. It's the thought that counts, right?
I have noticed that it is so easy for people (okay, maybe just me) to have charity on everyone else because it is something I deeply love and understand. BUT it is incredibly hard to have charity on MYSELF. Who knew, right?
At Drill Team camp this past summer we went to St. George and learned from this INSANE lady who choreographed for Michael Jackson. I kid you not when I say she is insane. I mean that almost quite literally....ANYWHO....she put us in a circle and we all had to say something that we all do really well in dance. It could be performance, a jump, pointing your toes, WHATEVER. So, we go around the circle and it eventually hits me and I stand there, dumbfounded, amazed that I could not think of ONE thing. NOT ONE! SERIOUSLY! I mean, it's not that no one has ever told me that they think this or that I just have not taken the time to admire the things about myself that are worth while. I spent so much time on what was negative and pushing and pushing myself to be a perfect dancer that I forgot to see what was good and beautiful. So, naturally, I said "I dunno" and she pointed at me and yelled "fail!" which made me feel worse but oh-well. That's beside the point.
THE POINT IS: that we spend too much time focusing on the things that we don't have in ourselves or the things we want or the things that we are not good at. We need to wake up and let in a little sunshine! There ARE good things! TONS of good things. They are just hiding under all those negative thoughts.
SO dust off all those negative thoughts and realize that you are great. You have things that make you you, amazing things, good things, positive things. The bad things are not what makes you who you are.
It is the good things and the positive ways you fix the bad things that make you who you are meant to be. I PROMISE!

Believe that NOTHING is too good to be true.
Let others lead small lives, but not you.Let others argue over small things, but not you. Let others cry over small hurts, but not you. Let others cry over small things, but not you. Let others leave their future in someone else's hands, but not you. ~Jim Rohn

I am me, and that's all I have to give. And I'm okay with that.