Resolution: a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something.

Today is New Years Eve. George and I had our frist Christmas together which was so much fun. And now it's already time for the new year. And here I sit because I have nothing better to do.
There was a huge fiasco last night about what George and i would do today and who we would spend our time with on our first New Years Eve. But as we were all sleeping, George became what i would say "deathly ill." So, I guess we will just go home today and spend our time watching movies and doing absolutely nothing. Oh boy.
To be honest. We will probably be planning all the places we want to go before we have children. We decided yesterday that putting away money to go to Europe and anywhere else like Disneyland and such was not enough. So we started mapping out our trips and adding up costs, searching for hotels and such. It has been very exciting. I hope when we are in Europe someday that we are healthy...haha. Oh boy.
I figure this post is rather boring. I suppose because I was up all night with George all my creativity has left the building. But I will try once more...
It has been strange being married. Time has flown by and I'm almost not a newlywed anymore. haha. It will be three months on the 19th of January. CRAZY!!!
I have learned many things since I have been married. So many things that I probably don't even remember them all and will re-learn them in a couple days.
George is so full of adventure. He has such a thirst for life and for love. It's almost like he came out of a movie sometimes. He has pushed me to be better, and since we have been married I have changed. But I do believe it is for the better.
I had to work this past Saturday and George was a little bummed because he gets Saturdays off, but he was a cheerful sport and sent me on my way. Him and his father came and visited me at my work, and to top it all off, when I got home I opened the door to a sparkeling clean house.
I don't know how I landed such a handsome, devoted, wonderful guy, but I did. And I'd like to say that I'm quite lucky and don't let him know that quite enough.
This year has gone by in a blurr! I remember last April the thought of meeting my husband and getting married this year hadn't crossed my mind. I was gungho mission status and waiting for my college boyfriend and every other dude that I thought was worth it. I was going to be in Paris this past October, but I got married instead. I finished my first year of college. I made new friends and reconnected with old ones. I traveled out of state on my own for the first time. It's crazy how fast your life can be altered in one year. So I welcome this new year with open arms.
So for my resolutions this year i am going to do the following:
1. Appriciate George more vocally and tell him I love him more often
2. Become closer with my family.
3. Exercise three to four times a week.
4. Save enough money to go on a trip to Europe or somewhere out of the US
5. Maintain healthyer eating habbits
6. Find a passion for something (a hobby)
7. Cross at least one thing off my bucket list
8.Go to the temple at least once a month with George.
9. Write in my journal every Sunday.
10. Discover something new about myself.

My resolutions are simple, but isn't life about keeping things simple? So welcome 2013! Can't wait to see what happens next!

Love Always,
Cass

Don't Worry, Be Happy

My husband (whoa...husband...haha) is always telling me that happiness is a choice.
Not because I'm an unhappy person, mind you, but because I've been stuck in this rut ever since the so called "wedding bliss" packed up and moved away.
Think about it.
I have no job.
No friends.
No church calling.
No family up here.
No hobby.
No school.
I have SQUAT.
I mean, I love being a "house-wife." I've always liked cooking and cleaning. It's just that my life has no purpose without anything else.
I have George and God and a phone so I can talk to people. But it's just not the same.
But I was sitting in Relief Society today, just listening to the lesson (which happened to be on President Uchdorff's (spelling?) talk from last conference.) and we split the talk up into three parts so we could get through it all.
His talk was on the 3 main regrets people have on their death bed.
Well, my group had the regret: I wish i had let myself be happy.
I was in utter shock.
I mean, I have been going through a lot lately and but that's no excuse to be ornery or sad all the time.
As of two weeks ago I started to work on this and I've had little tests of faith and little tender mercies all the way.
I never thought of how we have to ALLOW ourselves to be happy.
I mean, there are a MILLION things I want to do in this life, people.
A MILLION!
But that doesn't mean that I should mope about how I'm not doing them right now or about how it will never happen. Because it will if I allow myself to take the time and spend the money and have the confidence, or whatever it may take for me to go places and see things and become someone.
The main point here, people, is that my husband is right, and that there is a conference talk to prove it.
Happiness IS a choice. IT IS!
So, although I've had a hard time choosing to be happy in the last two hours, I'm ready to chose to be happy now.
After all . . . isn't life all about dancing in the rain, anyway?

Song of the day: I'm Walking On Sunshine by (I don't know...)

Happy December, Peeps!

Love Always,
Mrs. Stewart

Love and Marriage, Love and Marriage

Sometimes I feel like a blob. Like today. I'm just a blob.
Marriage is wonderful. I love my husband. I'm happy just like Cinderella or Snow White. But marriage is hard work, people.
There are days where you . . .

1. Want to punch someone in the face (sometimes that someone is your landlord or your husband [just because you love him soooooo much]).
2. Rob a bank so you can buy groceries.
3. Sit in the hot tub and drink soda and eat fries like there's no tomorrow.
4. Kiss the day away.
5. Just sit down, just for a minute....please...
6. Throw your resume in every employers face and say "YOURE MISSING OUT, BUSTER!" and then give them a piece of your mind.
7. Cook like you are the Cake Boss or Rachel Ray, maybe even Betty Crocker or Julia Childs.
8. Walk around naked.
9. Watch movies all day and eat bags and bags of popcorn.
10. Zap your car so it's magically filled up with gas.
11. Go on a shopping spree for everything you want and nothing that you need.
13. Buy a Christmas scented candle so it smells like magic in your house when you're all alone...ALL DAY.
14. Call all your friends and family and tell them how homesick you are for them. But your phone doesn't have many minutes, so you just mope instead...or eat everything and make yourself busy by ironing the bedspread or deep cleaning things you don't need to.
15. Try to fiddle with electronics that you don't understand to see if you can surprise your husband when he gets home but have a random mental breakdown instead.
16.  Write more thank you notes.....again....and again...(couldn't I just send an email? Like, really.)
17. Vacuum the carpet again.
18. Kiss your darling and give him a biiiiig hug when he gets home.
19. Eat dinner together in total bliss, even if you're arguing, it's still bliss, people. You'll understand when you're married. I promise.
AND
20. Cuddle and forget about everything except what matters most...being together.


And they lived happily ever after.
That's all.

Here's a few pics of my fam. my wonderful photographer took. YAY! This was the day before our wedding.

Song of the day: (my new fav. song to listen to to put me in a good mood) Champion by The Chevin.

Love Always,
Cassady

P.s. Here's a few pics from the big day!!!

The Saturday Evening Post (Only Not Because It's Morning . . .)

It's been a crazy week. That's for sure. I have been doing wedding stuff hard core and my sister flew in yesterday and I had an emotional break down. ha ha. Getting married isn't all butterflies and and cupid. It's a lot of work, people. But as long as you're in love with the man at your side, it's all worth it.
I was reading a post last night that my dad printed off for me. It was written this past February about how my sister, Chelsey, was getting married and how I wished I could find happiness in someone like she has and all my my siblings, and  my parents, etc.
I have realized since then that it's not finding happiness in someone else that makes you truly happy, but finding balance, harmony, and happiness within yourself first. Then you can find it someone else.
DUH! I mean, hello, who wouldn't have thought of that one before? Obviously not me. But hopefully the rest of you are smarter than that. It's not all about having boys around you to make you happy or having a best friend. It's about being happy with who you are and what you have to offer to the world.
If there is anything that I hope to remember the next week as stress gets higher with the wedding coming up, it's that sunshine can reach out of my fingertips if I let it. I can't get it from someone else.

Happy Fall!
The wedding's only a week away! Holy CRAP!!!!!
Love Always,
Cass

NACHOOOOOOOO!!!

Sometimes...

When you are in your room

You wear stretchy pants......

But only on those really horrible days where you wake up in a good mood and go upstairs to eat breakfast with a smile on your face and it all ends in barricading yourself in your room so you can ignore the world and everyone in it so you can have a moment of happiness while your trying to work out for once in your life. Because outside of your room....there is none. Not today. And not for a while. Maybe someday. You tell me. Because I'm not coming out until everyone's gone and leaves me alone. Thanks very much.

All You Have To Do Is Listen

It's weird, cleaning out your room. You find yourself wanting to throw things away and not being able to because you hold things with such sentimental value. Things that others might see stupid or unreasonable. Maybe one day i'll think so, too. I don't like change, but I am excited to get married to George and start the rest of our new lives together. I hold him dearer than the things in my room. I never knew how much my room held. I have to much STUFF that really isn't just stuff. It's more than that. Or maybe I'm one of those creepy hoarders...haha. Just kidding. I have this disco ball that one of my guy friends gave me at my birthday part. I think it was in JR high. haha. That wasn't a good party. I remember when everyone left I cried. haha. I also have this rock that says 'Mom Love You' on it. I remember painting rocks when my family was camping in the uintas at Butterfly Lake. Back when I looked like a boy and had a huge gap between my two front teeth. I have a million sea shells I've collected from all the places I've gone, or places others have gone and brought them back for me. A couple of art pieces from my days at school. The dried white rose from when George proposed, A stupid skateboarding sign I thought was cool that I bought a couple years ago in Oceanside CA. Scetch books galore, a picture of Jhonny Depp (who could blame me?!?!? haha), some metals, a mask from a halloween dance I went to with my friend. His dad's band was playing at it. It was a couple months before he died. A hat from a dance I choreographed for some closure from the death of my grandfather shophomore year. My first pointe shoes. Some crazy pictures. An ugly bowl I painted at Color Me Mine with some friends. A million and a half books. My tool box. My bed. My night stands. Some lamps. Clothes. Gabazillion shoes. haha. A picture of me and my BFF, Madi from 2003. BLAH BLAH BLAH. There's really no point in listing all of this off. But It's crazy how we humans get attatched to things as if they were people. I think it's because everything has a story to it. Even if it's one sentence. And sometimes they end up in the garbagecan or on another kids dresser, and sometimes they get left behind for someone to find in their new sandbox that used to be yours. Either way, it's time to let things go and make more room for the love of my life. Afterall, it's a begining, not an end. And here i come!!! Watch out... :D

 

Song of the day: None.

 

Love Always,

Cass

Love

Every Once In A While

Sometimes you just gotta take a deep breath in . . . . .

And blow it aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall

 OUT.

To Live Will Be An Awefully Big Adventure

Yes, people. The day has finally arrived!
As of June 30th, I am officially engaged to the best man ever!
He's mine. Back off. :P
I seriously sometimes have to slap myself in the face (in my head) to remind myself I'm not dreaming, and I really am getting everything I want. Him. All of him. Through and through. He's the whole package + more. Who knew that even existed?! Not I, amigo's.

It's weird, though. One day you are sitting at your computer blogging about how lonely you are or how your ex just broke up with you and you want to hunt him down with a million girlfriends and a bunch of baseball bats. And then the next day you wake up and there's a ring on THAT FINGER. Yes. That one. And your like....Whaaaa?!?!??! And then you smile a smile no one's ever seen before.

I went out to swing on our swing the other day only to realize that it kinda hurts because my hips are too big for the swing. And how I'm not as hyper and active as I used to be. I constantly have to worry about keeping my love handles under control instead of eating whatever I want whenever I want. I have to worry about how much money I earn and how much I save instead of begging my parents to stop the ice cream truck and blowing cash like it grows as grass. Instead of calling your friends and asking if they can play or spontaneously planning a girls weekend trip to St. George, you have to call weeks in advance to set up a lunch date for about an hour because that's all anyone has time for. But, for some reason, the zits never go away. They follow through life with you like none other. Ugh. Stupidddddddddddd.....

Why is growing up no fun? Don't you remember the time we all used to dress up and pretend we were shopping for groceries or taking care of our baby dolls? Why did we do that to ourselves? I can wait to be grown up...I seriously can. But there's no stopping time. And there's certainly no stopping what the heart wants.

So it's time to say goodbye to bedtime stories and Peter Pan. Because it's time to grow up. Even if you don't want to.

Keep it real my friends. Keep. It. Real.

P.S. Here's my favorite person in the whole wide world!!!

 

 George Stewart. :) My whole entire heart belongs to that guy riiiiight there. No, not the lady in the back. Duh. The handsome one sitting next to me.

And here's a bouquet I made today. It's going to be my throw bouquet for my reception. So exciting! 

Took me 4.5 freaking hours. . . . . . .  -_- Seriously?

Love Always,
Cass

Song of the day: Chase This Light by Jimmy Eat World
                    and  Fire by Jesse Thomas

 

Metaphorically, Of Course

Its amazing what training wheels will do for you.
Like, seriously.
It wasn't until a few days ago I realized I wasn't using them anymore.
I was riding along and I looked back and BADABOOM....they were gone. I was riding a 2-wheeler.
It hits you pretty hard once you realize it.
Its an epiphany worth having, a conundrum worth solving.
But it's a little scary.
You don't want to fall off, but the thrill of the ride is so wonderful, so you just keep going.
Trusting gravity not to spite you.
Because you're happy.
And you're happy being happy.
And everything from before the two wheeler doesn't matter anymore.
Because you've changed and you're better.
And he's better.
And everything  is good.
And you're more than okay with that.
You're more than okay with two wheelers.

Story of My Life

It's funny how life goes along and people change.

It's funny how I am doing things I never thought I'd have the guts to do.

It's funny how some people never thought I could do some of the things I've done.

It's funny how your heart can feel so deeply for someone when they have no clue.

It's funny how your best friend can become more than that.

It's funny how stupid choices can complicate a friendship.

It's funny how you can miss a person when you're scared that they don't think about you at all.

It's funny how you pray and pray but the pain never goes away.

It's funny how that pain just numbs enough that you can start to feel like yourself again . . . 

It's funny how even though you say you 'feel like yourself ', you aren't even sure who you are.

It's funny how you can find pieces of yourself in other people. 

It's funny how those pieces can shape the whole puzzle.

It's funny how no matter how many years go by, you still wish they were there when you're having the time of your life.

It's funny how you think you moved on . . . 

It's funny how something pops up to make you realize you really haven't. You just got distracted.

It's funny how when an ocean is so vast, it can bring people closer than they can imagine.

It's funny how no matter how stupid you think love is, it effects you in ways you wish it wouldn't

It's funny how it also doesn't effect you in ways you wanted it to.

It's funny how people assume why you act the way you do. 

It's funny how there are some people who actually CARE why you act the way you do.

It's funny how few of those people actually appreciate you for who you are.

It's funny how some people can become so close, be pushed apart, and still long for that closeness.

It's funny how someone who used to be the only one that could turn tears into a smile is the cause for those tears.

It's funny how the meaning of those tears evolves over time.

It's funny how someone may not even really be a part of your life

It's also funny how you wish they were

It's funny that, even when they aren't there, they still effect you.

It's funny that you still miss them. No matter how hard you try not to or to convince yourself you don't.

It's funny how you get to a point where you just want them to be happy, despite yourself.

It's funny how you support them in everything they do when they don't even know.

It's funny how you admire them for doing what they're supposed to, no matter what.

It's funny how, eventually, all the good stuff is all you can remember.

It's funny how, despite everything, you have to completely rely on God to help you trust what's right.

Even when you may wish for a different turnout.

It's freaking hilarious how one person can be such an influence in your life.

For many ways uncountable.

 

 It's just funny.

Song of the day: Ships in the Night

                 (and) Runaway  - - both by Mat Kearney 
                 (and) Payphone by Maroon 5 (the clean version) HA

Love Always,

Cassady

P.S. I guess it's not really that funny. Well, kind of....

Never Stop Searching

I watched an incredibly inspirational movie with one of my BFFs tonight.

You may have heard of it? Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close is the name of it. 

It got me thinking quite a lot and now I'm to the point where I can't sleep because my brain keeps going on and on without getting tired (so much for my physical aspects...). 

Every single one of us goes through life searching for something. Although I'm sure that many of us are unsure what that thing is, we sometimes get frustrated because we can't find it. And maybe, sometimes, situations on the way to finding that something don't work out and we want to give up. 

Somewhere inside us all is the will power to search for that unseen thing. 

Weather it be . . .

- God

- Ourselves

- A significant other

- The perfect job

- The perfect ingredient for a Kashi bar
- Wishing you could live in an apartment that smells good

- or even the perfect ending

 We are all looking for it. 

Subconsciously . . . consciously . . . doesn't matter. 

We are on a constant search, seeking for a lock with which to fit our key in.

We will find it, eventually.

It may be tomorrow, or in a few years, or even in the next life. 

No matter what, we will find it.

We just need to live in the moment and take every breath for as much as it's worth until we get there.

And once we do . . . we celebrate . . . 

(And eat cream cheese brownies from Kneaders because they make everything right in the world.)

May you find what you're looking for. I truly wish you the best of luck.

Song of the day: Living in the Moment by Jason Mraz

Love Always, 

Cass

P.S. I guess it's time to start counting sheep. Ha. :)

F-a-r-e-n-e-r-a-l-s (farenerals) (yes, it's english)

Farewells are weird. The end. That's all there is to it. They are just strange. Here we go, to church, to ONE meeting (the most vital, I'll give 'em that) to say goodbye to guys we either do not know hardly at all and are only there to see the people, we are there for the food (This is the only reason I go.....just kidding...but it is definitely a plus), or to sit there and wallow in your confusion as you say goodby to THREE boys on the same day because you are not sure you will ever see them again. The thing is, I'm one of those people who goes because I am their friend...or at least....was at some point or another. The three boys I have said goodbye to today have all had some large impact on my life at one point or another and have been an influence in the person I have become....or, rather, the person I am still becoming (lets face it, we never finish becoming who we want to become...constant progression. Yup. Never ends.....).  It's weird to think of life without them because they were such a big part of me at one point, and, in some ways, maybe they still are. But farewells and funerals are not that much different if you think about it. You go. Someone speaks. You feel the spirit (hopefully). You say goodbye to the person (or persons). You say hi to people. You usually talk to the parents or close friends or whatever. You eat food. You go home. AND you wear Sunday clothes. SO, in my opinion, they are not that much different. Still feels like a funeral to me. At least, today it does...I hate saying goodbye...It makes me sad. I don't cry until I have to say goodbye to someone. And then it's a waterfall. A very stupid waterfall. And then I feel stupid for looking like a clown because I wasted my make up this morning and now it's all over my face and BLAH! Anywho....
Some boys I once knew sang a song today at a farewell I went to and it reminded me of my favorite hymn, Lead Kindly, Light. My sisters and I sang it a long time ago when we all lived in our family ward here in good ol' AF. It is definitely the song that fills my soul today and has for quite some time.

Song of the day: Lead Kindly Light

Love Always, Cass

P.S. Here are the lyrics if you would like to look at them...

Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom, lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that Thou shouldst lead me on;
I loved to choose and see my path; but now lead Thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years!

So long Thy power hath blest me, sure it still will lead me on.
O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till the night is gone,
And with the morn those angel faces smile, which I
Have loved long since, and lost awhile!

Worth the Wait

There is something about a letter that makes the heart smile, the stomach flip flop, the lips widen into a beaming sign of joy. Maybe because if feels like getting the hug you've always needed, or the inspiration you've longed for for so long.

It doesn't matter who it's from. A letter is a letter. As long as it's hand written, it's worth the wait.

There's something so blissfully happy-making about a letter that I feel bad for the people who don't get them. I think everyone in their life deserves to have a letter at least once in their life from a true friend.

And, believe me, coming from a person who gets very many letters, there is something about them that should not go without being appreciated.

For some reasons when a letter comes you will find me holding my breath as I watch the mail man exchange envelopes from my parents front window. Or you may even catch me improvising a very embarrassing happy dance that my roommate was so lucky to see a little over two weeks ago (yes, the front room blinds were closed.)

Then, there is that silence. That time in the mail box when it's empty. Or, at least, it is for you. Because you're the one making the person on the other end jump for joy. Your letter is reaching them, making their heart as happy as theirs made yours.

And then you wait.

And wait.

And wait....

Until, one day, POP! THERE IT IS! And it's the highlight of your day. The world is right again.

And then the letter ends.

But the words are forever. They are written down for your eyes to see, to take in, to eat up like heart candy.

And then your hand so cleverly writes another and sends it on its way to create a continuous ripple effect.

At least, until you don't need letters anymore.

Because that's the day you'll talk face to face again.

And you won't have to read between the lines for their smile or imagine them saying those words.

You'll see it. You'll hear them.

Because they're meant for your ears, just like the words on those pages are meant for your heart.

But until then, another letter.

And keep 'em comin.

Song of the day: Transatlanticism by Wenzel Temleton and Robert Pegg

Love Always,

Cass

Musings of a Yoga Student

It's funny how each day is so different. Each day holds something new. Something old.
Every day people come and go. Some will be your friend for a lifetime.
Others will temporarily stay and move on without mentioning you ever again.
I have been thinking real hard about so many choices I have to make in the next few years.
Every choice seems so big and I feel quite indifferent.
I worry too much, I know.
But, wouldn't you?
So, yesterday, I was sitting in my Yoga class, all tense, trying to relax.
Trying to get something out of class for the evening to help me with my week when I had an epiphany.
Someone asked me not too long ago to try and incorporate dance into other aspects of my life.
Dance is so dear to my heart. They did not think it would have been fair to take a clean cut.
So as I was practicing my crow pose, continuing to fall out of it, trying worth my life to balance, and I realized that I don't have to divide up dance into different parts of my life, I can make it my entire life! Just because I can't dance anymore doesn't mean it's gone.
I have a passion for dance that I've never had for anything else. So, last night I decided that I am going to take that passion I have for dance and put it into my life.
Have passion for life! Every single day.
It doesn't matter if it's a bad day or a good day.
I'm going to be passionate about it.
Once I realized this. It was like everything clicked.
Balance was restored and I successfully held crow pose for five seconds! haha
Finally, a little balance in my life.

Love Always,

Cass

P.S. This is crow pose...TA DA!

It is always interesting when you feel an emotion to such an extreme that there are no words to say.
This, my dear friends, has been me, for the past week and a day.
What is it about us that makes it so easy to feel so many emotions at once?
What is it that activates that drive to feel things and look for meaning in every little detail.
Is it because the emotional side of the human race is dying out? No.
It is not dying, although sometimes it may feel like that.
It seems, though, that emotions always catch up with you.
It doesn't matter how hard you try to bury them under a rock.
They ALWAYS catch up to you. Always.
The past does, too. And so does the future.
Heck, sometimes I feel like even the present gets the best of me.
What is it about us that you hold on to things that you no longer have?
What is the point of keeping that small box of things in the closet?
What is the point of putting pen to paper when there's no guarantee? 
People. Memories. Feelings. Places. A teddy bear, even.
Why is it that the things you wish you could let go of always seems to stick around somehow.
What is the point.
It's times like these I have to put myself in an upright position and walk with the knowledge that God directs me. He will help me figure it all out in the end.
All of it.

Song of the day: Pictures of You by The Cure

Love Always,
Cass <3

A Not So Positive Entry

I've always had a hard time saying goodbye to people.
It doesn't matter who you are.
It is always hard when there is no guarantee that you will see them again.
There is no promise.
There is nothing.
Just a blank, white, stale sheet of nothingness.
There are always so many things to say and no way of saying them.
So many things you want to express and no way to express them.
It's a messy thing, life is.
Saying goodbye is part of the dirt in it.
And tomorrow is another day.
As empty as it may feel, it is another day.
I can do whatever I want with that time.
Life feels so lonely when you feel like you lose everyone all at once.
I just have to have hope that one day it will get better.
Even if right now there's no way it can get better.
Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and all the tears and regrets and heartache will be gone.
Then again, maybe not.
I feel like a fountain. All I do is spurt water out my eyes.
Tears are words the heart can't say.
That's all I'm good for.
At least, that's how it feels.
And, yet, I can't cry because it's "not allowed."
I can't dance because it hurts.
I can't think because it hurts.
I can't feel . . . because it hurts.
At least for today.

 

Song of the day: Run by Snow Patrol

Love Always,

Cass

See You Soon

I suppose I am not quite sure what to say.
I mean, it's only two years right?
RIGHT!?
A lot can happen in two years. And my heart isn't signed off to anyone . . . mostly.
Everyone kept telling me it was going to be hard. But it was not until yesterday when I got my last phone call that I realized it was really truly the last time I may be hearing his voice.
Ever. Or possibly for two years.
Maybe I don't want it that way?
Maybe I want things to work out.
But I guess sometimes what you want is not what you need.
But then again, sometimes it is.
I'll just keep telling myself that God knows best and that two years goes by faster than I think.
Because it does . . . . when you don't think about it anyway . . . .
I'm going to miss that boy. He is such a strength to me.
He helped me figure out how to stand on my own two feet.
How to believe in myself when no one else will.
He brought me up when others brought me down.
But I guess now is the time to become more self reliant than I have already become.
Now is the time to figure out who Cassady is and have those grand adventures I've always wanted . . . even if they're in my parents back yard because I can't afford to go anywhere else . . .
Everything will be okay.
It will.
I can do this.
I am strong.
I can stand on my own. I've proven that.
Now's the time to make the most of being young and alive.
Love takes you places you never think you'd be.
And this is one of those places for me.
I owe him my life and my ever constant gratitude.
Only time will tell.
Good luck Elder Nielsen . . . .
 I'll be thinking of you, love.
 :) <3 <3 <3

Today's Song: World Spins Madly On by The Weepies

Love Always,
Cass

Somewhere Out There

It is amazing what will come to you when you are laying in your car, looking out your windows at the night sky, parked in a significant spot where you always seem to think better.

Somehow it is always those moments when something clicks and you gasp, all-knowing. 

Then again, other times you just lay there, silent, thinking what you did wrong, or what you did right.

It is those moments in time that are misunderstood. They are looked over for what they are:

Moments of Deep and Insightful Intellect.

These are the moments where you decide things, regret things, get over things, remember things, miss people who are gone or who are leaving, and say things that at any other moment would not be relevant, or maybe wouldn't even come about. You think things like whose heart will be my home, where will I be in ten years, what do I really want for myself? You feel fear and excitement all at once. It is moments like these that I am grateful for. 

Especially when a good friend is next to you and there are brownies involved. 

Quote of the Week: "Believe you must take your chance."

Song: Thistled Spring by Horse Feathers

 

Love Always,

Cass

{ CHANGE } vb.

Change is something I have never been very good with. We do not go hand in hand. In fact, I think we might be mortal enemies. Either way, there's no stopping it. Change is inevitable.

The thing about change is that it scares the church is true (thank you, Caitlin) out of me. Why? Because I have plans. I make plans. I have a day planner. I plan plan plan and go go go. And then change is like, "WHOA" and I'm all, "Oh, No you didn't!" (just pretend that was in a black girl accent...) and it's all "Oh, yes I did, honey." and then I cry. 

The End.

I guess change is good though. Well, not I guess, it is good. Change is good. I just hate the process. It seems you always lose someone or something with change. It gives me a headache. Sometimes heartache, too. But change is change. What can I do? It thwarts my plans and creates a mess out of me. All I can do is have faith that God has faith in me to know where I'm supposed to go, to know what I'm supposed to do, and to have the courage and the strength to do it. At least he has faith in me, because sometimes I doubt myself. We all do, I guess. 

My favorite quote ever: Be the change you want to see in the world. - Gandhi

One day I will live up to this saying. Just wait and see.

Song of the day: Holocene by Bon Iver (my favorite. He's amazing.)

Someday

My sister is getting married. And I mean THIS WEEK, people. I'm not even the bride and I feel like it all happened so fast. It was always going to be me and her, single forever, right? Ha. No. Childhood must die one day. For her, that day is Friday. For me....uh, well, who knows?
Everyone keeps coming up to her and saying their congratulations and then they turn to me and say things like "Just you now, huh?" or  "You're next!" or annoying things like that that I've heard countless times. The thing I wanted to say every time is "No, not really." or "Probably not." or "Keep dreaming, Cinderella." But that's just the thing. It hit me yesterday.
I'm It. I'm all that's left. Just me. All alone. Waiting. Ever so patiently waiting to be as happy as the rest of my siblings with someone to tell me it's okay when bad things happen and with someone who will love you despite how gross it sounds when you are sick and you blow your nose or when you are disgustingly giving birth and they pass out but still say you look as beautiful as ever.
Don't get me wrong! I am in no rush, no hurry to get married and be tied down to someone for eternity. Because eternity, believe it or not, is a long time, people. A VERY long time and I want to make sure I find the right person. I don't want to be stuck with a hedgehog the rest of my life.
I saw this quote the other day that said, "I wish I could fast forward . . . just to see if you're worth the wait . . ." That is so true, though, isn't it? Here I am with all the other single, lonely girls who have boys who come and go and all you get is what? A lesson learned? I mean, that's great and all, but does it ever get any better? Is there ever a point where you can say, "Wow. Even the most annoying thing about you isn't annoying to me. I don't care that you chew with your mouth open, it's totally hot. (which is a lie cause that's such a turn off, but still!)" Are you getting me, here?
I guess last night on my way back down to college, I had a long talk with Caitlin.
I have been stuck in this tiny black hole, searching for any way to get out. And I think I finally figured it out. (QUICK, get all the physics people! Breaking news!)
Time to be honest with myself. Ready . . . GO!
Relationships scare me. TO. DEATH. The End.
The whole commitment thing and all the fuzzy feelings and the "Well, I just don't like you anymore." and all that crap just seems to get in the way, tends to make everything so complicated and messy, and, yes, extremely hurtful. So hurtful in fact that all those darn past relationships made me not want to get married. What is the point of spending your life with someone when you can never 100% fully trust them with your life, or your heart? What is the point in putting that ring on that fragile little finger when all that has to happen is a bunch of stupid stuff to make the ring come off permanently?
Well, my friends. It's as simple as this.
I realized that someday when the time is right and the person is right and I fully trust that God knows what he is doing, there WILL be someone I can make promises to. There will be someone who would jump in front of a gun for me. Someone who will understand my awkwardness and make me feel like the person I've always wanted to be. There will be some handsome guy who will make me smile when he isn't around and who will leave such a deep, clean cut, precious print on my heart that I'll trust him enough to give it to him forever and know that he will never ever break it. Someday I'll have a fancy reception, too, and cheesy pictures outside the temple that make people gag with tears and happiness as they see us glowing. I will have someone who loves me for me and all those stupid heartbreaks and boys and people who you thought mattered so much actually won't matter at all.
Someday there will be that someone who will calm my fears and take my hand and walk with me, side by side, toward home for the rest of my life and on.
If it weren't for a recent and very dear friend, I wouldn't have realized this. But of course everyone meets for a reason, right? So, thanks, dear friend. No matter what happens, I'll always be thankful to you. :)
So here's to faith, and love, and all that fuzzy stuff.
"To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living balanced life."
-Ketut (Eat, Pray, Love)

I Mean, OBVIOUSLY!!!

I have found that it is incredibly hard not to compare yourself to others. Sometimes I don't feel as funny, beautiful, smart, clever, witty, charming, experienced, talented, cultured, or as spiritual as other people. It is surprisingly difficult to ignore what is in your head or what people say to you - especially when it's negative. Someone once told me to let things roll off my shoulders. But I think personal doubts and all that stupid stuff really brings a person down. It's hard to roll all that off your shoulders because it isn't on your shoulders, it's in your head.
In yoga we talk about opening your heart and releasing all your cares into the universe, sucking in all the positivity and good from the world. I have been fully supportive of this exercise from the get-go. Why? Because I WANT that. I WANT positivity and love and light in my mind, in my heart, and in my life. THANK GOODNESS for yoga and all the wonderfully fantastic things it does in my life. Seriously, I'd do it every day if I had the time. It's the thought that counts, right?
I have noticed that it is so easy for people (okay, maybe just me) to have charity on everyone else because it is something I deeply love and understand. BUT it is incredibly hard to have charity on MYSELF. Who knew, right?
At Drill Team camp this past summer we went to St. George and learned from this INSANE lady who choreographed for Michael Jackson. I kid you not when I say she is insane. I mean that almost quite literally....ANYWHO....she put us in a circle and we all had to say something that we all do really well in dance. It could be performance, a jump, pointing your toes, WHATEVER. So, we go around the circle and it eventually hits me and I stand there, dumbfounded, amazed that I could not think of ONE thing. NOT ONE! SERIOUSLY! I mean, it's not that no one has ever told me that they think this or that I just have not taken the time to admire the things about myself that are worth while. I spent so much time on what was negative and pushing and pushing myself to be a perfect dancer that I forgot to see what was good and beautiful. So, naturally, I said "I dunno" and she pointed at me and yelled "fail!" which made me feel worse but oh-well. That's beside the point.
THE POINT IS: that we spend too much time focusing on the things that we don't have in ourselves or the things we want or the things that we are not good at. We need to wake up and let in a little sunshine! There ARE good things! TONS of good things. They are just hiding under all those negative thoughts.
SO dust off all those negative thoughts and realize that you are great. You have things that make you you, amazing things, good things, positive things. The bad things are not what makes you who you are.
It is the good things and the positive ways you fix the bad things that make you who you are meant to be. I PROMISE!

Believe that NOTHING is too good to be true.
Let others lead small lives, but not you.Let others argue over small things, but not you. Let others cry over small hurts, but not you. Let others cry over small things, but not you. Let others leave their future in someone else's hands, but not you. ~Jim Rohn

I am me, and that's all I have to give. And I'm okay with that.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

It's interesting when you miss something. Or someone. And you wake up with that ache deep in your heart. But the thing is, you can't pin point it. You don't know who you miss or why you miss them. You just feel a little bit empty. And you don't know why. All you can do is hope they miss you, too, whoever they are.

Believe you are a once-in-all-history event . . .

"Be faithful to that which exists nowhere but in yourself." 

-Andre' Gide

That About Sums It Up . . .

Good Morning, Heartache.

 

There are those times in life where everything is going so great you wonder how anything could go wrong. And then, all of a sudden, you stop short only to catch your breath and seem to hold it as a hard moment passes. Of course, no one notices you are holding your breath because you're good at pretending to breath. And that's okay. You'd rather not anyone knew in the first place. You already know exactly what they'd say. So you just keep holding your breath, turning blue all the while. And then you realize there's no point to holding your breath. It doesn't fix anything. So you breath again, even if it's shallow. And you know something else will help you breath again. But for today, it's okay, you don't need help, you just need understanding.



Believe that opportunity is everywhere and all around you...

"People will try to tell you that all the great opportunities have been snapped up. In reality, the world changes every second, blowing new opportunities in all directions, including yours." -Ken Hakuta

Believe that the universe is friendly and life is on your side.

"What is live for? It's for you." -Abraham Maslow

hope

At 12am on January first I got an overwhelming feeling that this is going to be a great year.

And you know what?

Pretty sure I'm right.

My mom gave me  a book for Christmas called "Believe".

Sounds corny, I know, but it's not, so stop making fun.

I have decided to read a two pages every Sunday and make a goal to go along with my New Years resolutions based off of what is said on those pages.

Yesterday, the page I read said "Believe in fresh starts and new beginnings." and then there was a quote by Norman Cousins . . . "The capacity for hope is the most significant fact of life. It provides human beings with a sense of destination and the energy to get started."

It is a habit of mine to tell people not to get their hopes up. The fact being that I tell others this obviously means that I have also developed a habit in my mind that I will not get my hopes up. This has been going on for a little over two years, and I have decided - WHY?

The fact is simple: I got hurt. But SO WHAT? People get hurt. That's what happens. We're all human.

So, I have officially decided, starting today, that I am going to get my hopes up. I am going to expect everything that I expect from people. Sure, the downfalls might be a lot higher of a drop, but at least I looked forward to something. At least I can go about my life having hope and faith in people,

INCLUDING MYSELF.

So, I challenge you to hope for anything. Get your hopes up, believe in yourself.

Because without hope, what do you have, really?