My sister is getting married. And I mean THIS WEEK, people. I'm not even the bride and I feel like it all happened so fast. It was always going to be me and her, single forever, right? Ha. No. Childhood must die one day. For her, that day is Friday. For me....uh, well, who knows?
Everyone keeps coming up to her and saying their congratulations and then they turn to me and say things like "Just you now, huh?" or "You're next!" or annoying things like that that I've heard countless times. The thing I wanted to say every time is "No, not really." or "Probably not." or "Keep dreaming, Cinderella." But that's just the thing. It hit me yesterday.
I'm It. I'm all that's left. Just me. All alone. Waiting. Ever so patiently waiting to be as happy as the rest of my siblings with someone to tell me it's okay when bad things happen and with someone who will love you despite how gross it sounds when you are sick and you blow your nose or when you are disgustingly giving birth and they pass out but still say you look as beautiful as ever.
Don't get me wrong! I am in no rush, no hurry to get married and be tied down to someone for eternity. Because eternity, believe it or not, is a long time, people. A VERY long time and I want to make sure I find the right person. I don't want to be stuck with a hedgehog the rest of my life.
I saw this quote the other day that said, "I wish I could fast forward . . . just to see if you're worth the wait . . ." That is so true, though, isn't it? Here I am with all the other single, lonely girls who have boys who come and go and all you get is what? A lesson learned? I mean, that's great and all, but does it ever get any better? Is there ever a point where you can say, "Wow. Even the most annoying thing about you isn't annoying to me. I don't care that you chew with your mouth open, it's totally hot. (which is a lie cause that's such a turn off, but still!)" Are you getting me, here?
I guess last night on my way back down to college, I had a long talk with Caitlin.
I have been stuck in this tiny black hole, searching for any way to get out. And I think I finally figured it out. (QUICK, get all the physics people! Breaking news!)
Time to be honest with myself. Ready . . . GO!
Relationships scare me. TO. DEATH. The End.
The whole commitment thing and all the fuzzy feelings and the "Well, I just don't like you anymore." and all that crap just seems to get in the way, tends to make everything so complicated and messy, and, yes, extremely hurtful. So hurtful in fact that all those darn past relationships made me not want to get married. What is the point of spending your life with someone when you can never 100% fully trust them with your life, or your heart? What is the point in putting that ring on that fragile little finger when all that has to happen is a bunch of stupid stuff to make the ring come off permanently?
Well, my friends. It's as simple as this.
I realized that someday when the time is right and the person is right and I fully trust that God knows what he is doing, there WILL be someone I can make promises to. There will be someone who would jump in front of a gun for me. Someone who will understand my awkwardness and make me feel like the person I've always wanted to be. There will be some handsome guy who will make me smile when he isn't around and who will leave such a deep, clean cut, precious print on my heart that I'll trust him enough to give it to him forever and know that he will never ever break it. Someday I'll have a fancy reception, too, and cheesy pictures outside the temple that make people gag with tears and happiness as they see us glowing. I will have someone who loves me for me and all those stupid heartbreaks and boys and people who you thought mattered so much actually won't matter at all.
Someday there will be that someone who will calm my fears and take my hand and walk with me, side by side, toward home for the rest of my life and on.
If it weren't for a recent and very dear friend, I wouldn't have realized this. But of course everyone meets for a reason, right? So, thanks, dear friend. No matter what happens, I'll always be thankful to you. :)
So here's to faith, and love, and all that fuzzy stuff.
"To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living balanced life."
-Ketut (Eat, Pray, Love)