Ode to Sisterhood

I honestly have so much more to do than sit here and blog, like going to the gym. But I decided to read mom's and just coulnd't resist.

I have been thinking a lot about my sister, Chelsey. Of course all of my sisters and brothers are loved the exact same by me with never ending love and wishes of happiness for their future. But there is a fresh new family memeber coming and I can't resist but welcome him in and say what feels like goodbye, but I know really is not, to my wonderful sister.

Chelsey and I are only two years apart. We have had many things in common over the years up until she started junior high. Then we went our seperate ways like sisters do until we come to a crossroads again at some point later in life. We were the typical sisters . . . always fighting and crying and screaming at each other for not asking to borrow clothes, or whos turn it was to clean the bathroom, or how we were sick of sharing a bathroom, blah blah BLAH! Not all sisters fight as ferociously as we did, but we always had the best way of making it up to each other.

I remember one time I was really onary. I was mad at her for some reason. She put her fists up and pretended to punch me and said, "Common, Brotha!" haha... oh man. Every time I think of that it makes me laugh. Even now when I am mad at her she can say that simple phrase and I'm all smiles again.

I remember how Camyll, Chelsey and I used to dance in the living room in the poodle skirts. So much fun. :)

We used to listen to the Beach Boys or Frank Sanatra on Sundays and play Phase Ten or California Speed, or Uno. Sometimes even Crazy Eights or B.S. ^^

I remember I got so mad at Chelsey at one time (a VERY long time ago) that I kicked a hole in my door. Not my best moment, but I still love her just as much, though the door may not love me...oh well.

Chelsey and I used to always stay up late on the weekends when she was still in high school and watch movies until we fell asleep.

I remember when Chelsey and I took piano lessons. I would watch her play and wish I could be just as good as her and Chrystal. Sometimes I even danced in the living room while she played. haha. I was such a silly kid....oh my.

I remember when all of us sisters used to stay up late and play Phase Ten into the morning hours and I would usually be the first to fall asleep. One time we even came up with silly nick-names for each other....oh what a night.

And now they are all married and Chelsey is getting married in only a couple months. I have to admit, I felt sort of left in the dust at first. Although I am happy with my life and where I'm at, I don't know how to talk about marraige or kids. At first I thought about how we will have nothing to talk about, nothing in common until later in my life when I finally catch up to them all as they are phasing into new parts of their lives. But sisterhood is not a relay race or a passing through of people in my life. It is something that stayed a part of you.

I know they'll always love me.

No matter what color I dye my hair or what boy I choose to date.

No matter how fat I get or how weird of an Ephraim accent I aquire.

No matter anything. They'll always be my sisters.

And that's good enough for me.

My beautiful sister and her Fiance.

My beautiful sister and her family.

My other beautiful sister and her darling boy. (I could not find one of her family on my computer.)

:)

Always Yeild to Aircraft

I have begun to doubt myself.

How silly is that?

I mean, I go about my life making decisions and feeling completely spectacular about them and then BAM it hits me.

I read in Creative Is A Verb today a little something about doubting...

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. but there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life." - Alfred Souza

I read this and thought, HE'S RIGHT!

Holy moly!

Smack in the face!

WAKE UP SLEEPY HEAD!

I go from day to day wondering how things will effect me in the long run, trying to make the right choices so  nothing will get in my way eventually.

I didn't realize until today that focusing on the future and the effects of the long run all the time has been steering me away from the present.

I'm living farther than I can reach.

I think I think too much.

Sometimes I think I care too much.

I KNOW I trust too much.

And I really really eat WAY too much.

(In fact I just had french fries and ditched out on the gym...)

I've decided to live in the day.

The moment.

What's the point in living 30% in the past

60% in the future

and 10% in the past?

The only one that patters is the NOW.

I guess I just found my focus.

Now I just have to find my eyes.

Worlds Smallest Violin

It's always weird how

 the person you miss

 is the one you can never tell.

Because they're never there

or they're always too busy.

or they just don't care.

Snow Day

I woke up this morning at eight o'clock, everyone! SLEPT IN! AH! It feels so good to not have six or seven am practice! This is the first time since school started that I have slept in on a Saturday morning during school....wow. I am in shock.
AND to make it even more wonderful, I woke up to snow! I had a sleepover with Caitlin and when I woke up I heard Christmas music outside her room. It is my tradition to not listen to it until Black Friday, but I allowed myself to lay in her bed and listen to the faint Melody of Santa Baby from Nicki's room. It filled me with such a happy feeling. Things have been so crazy lately and for that one moment I felt lighter than a feather.
I got all my stuff to leave and looked out the window to find this...

This is outside my wonderful bedroom window. :)

I can remember when I was younger and would wake up in the middle of September and run to the kitchen window, hoping with all my heart that there would be snow outside for me to run in. But, there never would be. Just greenish brownish grass and yellowing leaves. But, when I would wake up and there would be snow outside, I remember jumping for joy (which is why I became known as Tigger) and trying to contain my energy until I could release it outside in the snow with my siblings.

I remember one December, my siblings and I all got into our snow gear and went into the front yard to play around. I was wearing a green coat and pink ear warmers. haha. I can't believe I remember that...

I also remember a few years ago when we had everyone here for Christmas at last. Chrystal, Jayson, Camyll, Bryt, Chelsey, and I all went outside and tried to build a snowman, but it wouldn't work because the snow was too ... well, not the right kind of snow. So, we build a snow slide and went down it on our disks. haha....That was so much fun. I had no memory of having that kind of fun with all my siblings because they were all so much older than me. But I had a wonderful time that day. :)

One December I remember on Bryts birthday (Christmas Eve), we had a HUGE dinner with all these fancy dishes and table cloths and while we were eating with the candles light and everyone all together the snow was falling softly outside. :)

I remember one snow day when I was sitting on the piano bench, sad about something, and my dad came and sat by me. He put his arm around me and told me something very special that I will not share because it's so dear to my heart.

I remember filling in the gaps between the stairs out by the pond and the fire pit with snow so Chelsey and I would have somewhere to sled. haha. We found such fun out of simple things back then. :)

I remember one year the pond froze over SO good that the waterfall looked like something out of Narnia. I tried to step on the pond to see if I could Ice Skate. haha....yeah...I fell in. Luckily our pond is only, what, one foot deep? haha...

I remember last year getting a real Christmas tree with my mom and dad for the first time in many years. It smelled soooooo good. And I gave that one cute boy my number...haha. What an adventure.

I remember one year when my mom was so sick so me and my sister, Chelsey, tried our best to decorate the house for Christmas. It didn't have mom's touch but it looked good enough. :)

I remember one year I went to the Nutcracker at BYU with Mom, Chelsey, and Liz. And maybe Camyll...? We went a bought me a gorgeous deep purple and gold dress. We bought me one of my first real Nutcrackers after. It was my first time seeing it live instead of on our VHS. I was in my dream land. :)

I remember when we lived in Boston and we walked outside to go to our back yard and sled down the hill where that one gofer lived...haha. Dad had to cut footprints in the snow because the snow was ice. I remember carefully stepping in my siblings footprints because the snow was soooooo high and mom was talking on the phone to someone.

I remember (home videos....hehe.) When we lived in Boston and my mom, was telling everyone back home how much snow there was in one day and it was 18 inches. She tried to explain what a foot was to me and Chelsey, but we both stuck our feet in the air and said, "Grandma! There's this much snow!" haha...

I remember the first time I had wastle.....mmmmm. Now it's my favorite. :) Yum.

I remember going on a horse and carriage ride with my family once up at that one fancy place that I can't remember the name of. haha.

I remember my first Black Friday shopping experience. We went to the mall in Sandy and I experienced my first migraine, but I got everyone their gifts, so it was worth it! haha...

I remember I came out of my Dance Company concert once my Jr. Year with a dear friend and it was snowing so bad that we just sat in the car for a moment and waited.

I remember doing doughnuts for the first time in the snow. Don't worry mom. It wasn't my car and I was not driving. haha.

I remember one snow day I went outside with a dear friend and had a snowball fight. I won, of course....haha. Just kidding. But we built a super cute snowman and it was a good day.

I remember my frist time snowboarding. haha....it was a lot of fun and a lot of hard work. I don't think I've ever fallen in the snow that much in my life...haha.

I remember once all of the family went up to Tibble Fork to go tubing down the hill. Dad and I went down and  we almost went into the river because we had so much speed. Luckily dad stopped us just at the waters edge. haha. What a day.

I remember going to Temple Square with my family and many other people and seeing the lights. It never gets old. Nope. :)

I remember when my dad's family used to the the Nativity scene every Christmas and I was an angle once. Me and Lacey wore our dance costumes from our Christmas concert. haha...

I remember once after a Christmas Dance Concert when I was about eight or nine...maybe ten. It snowed so bad that we had to drive home super slow and stopped at Sizzler for dinner. haha.

Well, enough of that. Obviously, I love the snow. haha. Only 6 more days until we can listen to Christmas music!!!! YAY!!!!!

Happy Snow, everyone. :)

Dear You

I feel like I've been holding on to a misguided ghost. Someone and something that has stayed with me somehow that I need to let go.
I am happy. I am. I have no reason not to be. I have a wonderful life. I have amazing parents and friends. I have the best life I could have persuing an education and having a comfortable living space with food and enough money that I won't starve or go cold. I have so many opportunities in front of me. Everything is laid out ahead of me. I just have to pick a way.
I have been struggling with what to do with my life lately. Figuring out what you want to do for the rest of your life doesn't come easily. I have been back and fourth with dance, make-up, and photography, not knowing which way to go. It doesn't matter what choice I pick or what inspiration I feel I get from God as he leads me down what ever path I need to wander, I always feel like I'm making the wrong choice.
I was talking with my dear friend, Caitlin on Monday night after FHE and she said something that hit me hard enough that I understood exactly what my problem has been.
I have been holding on to something from the past that is holding me back. Subconsiously of course. But still, holding on to it. I had an experience that hurt me so badly that I haven't been able to let it go because I haven't admitted to myself that it actually hurt me.
I have been too stubborn and have put on such a facad with myself that I didn't realize I felt the way I did until someone told me so.
I thought I needed closure over the situation in order to understand exactly what happened to make sense of it in my own mind. But, I realize now that sometimes closure comes from God and no one else. And it doesn't matter how long I wait, I can't wait anymore. There's no point in waiting on something that I have to do alone. This is the only thing holding me back from finding my true self, my true potential.
So, tomorrow is a new day, and it is the begining of the new me. The improved me. The true me without anyone to hold me back.
It won't be easy. And this may take some time.
But it will be well worth it in the end, how ever far away or close the end is.
Caitlin's right, I'm stronger than I think I am. I just haven't quite realized it yet.

Musings of A Common College Student

Ten favorite places to be. . .
1. My backyard at HOME
2. The kitchen (also at home)
3. My car
4. My bedroom
5. Caitlin's house :)
6. The dance studio
7. The park
8. The beach
9. The city

Nine weird things about me. . .
1. I eat like a 12 year old boy who will one day be six foot and brilliantly buff. Only mine goes nowhere. It evaporates.
2. My socks don't match that often. And if they do, it MAY be an indication that I'm in a bad mood.
3. I can't stand dust. It grosses me out. Ewe.
4. I change my mind more than anyone you know.
5. I can't talk to boys. I just don't know how. I missed that training lesson in Heaven.
6. I enjoy most anything. As long as I'm in the mood for it.
7. I like to dance in empty parking lots to whatever music is spewing from my car.
8. I am a neat freak.
9. I feel satisfied and accomplished when I cross things off of my millions of lists.

Eight things I'm going to do this summer. . .
1. Get another job.
2. Eat as many snow cones as I want.
3. Lay in the sun with my ipod in my ears.
4. Dance in my backyard.
5. Practice my camera skills on my various victims
6. Write a million letters
7. Go to some farewells and weddings
8. Watch the sunset and know that someday I'll have someone to share it with.

Seven things I'm thinking of. . .
1. Driving to the Temple with Caitlin after FHE
2. Asking Josh to Snow Ball tomorrow
3. My English homework
4. Registration and my now official major
5. The people I miss. . .
6. Texting Caitlin
7. Calling Melissa (possibly) and wanting to talk to my parents

Six things I'm wearing. . .
1. A red shirt
2. a white tank top
3. My jeans
4. Socks
5. Earrings
6. My rings

Five things I'm worried about. . .
1. Finding the strength to get up for practice tomorrow morning at five. . .
2. The future
3. Registration
4. That I'll be alone the rest of my life
5. That I'll never get a letter back

Four things on my floor. . .
1. My duffel full of dance clothes
2. Pillows
3. My tiny fridge
4. My feet

Three things I want to do today. . .
1. English homework
2. Find time to wind down and meditate and relax before bed
3. Drive to the temple with Caitlin and eat dinner.

Two things I'm willing to reveal. . .
1. I still cry myself to sleep sometimes even though I know I have no reason to because I just need to let it go.
2. That I'm going to miss my sister once she's married off like the rest of my wonderful siblings.

One secret. . .
1. I anticipate the day that....I'm not telling.

~Heard a song I want to make up a dance to. I know it's not my major, but I think it will always be a part of my heart and soul. Forever and always.
~I saw The Young Victoria the other day. It's my new favorite movie. I've decided to live vicariously through chick flicks.

Someday I hope to be as strong as her.

"It's great to be great, but it's greater to be human." - Will Rogers

I have a class called The Creative Process. It's a prerequisite for Choreography (which I am absolutely nervous and so excited for). We have been reading this book called "Creative Is A Verb" by Patti Digh. I have fallen in love with this book. It has helped me realize so much about myself as a human being, a girl, and an artist that I may have not figured out.
There's one particular part or two that have struck me the last few days...
"Turns out that girls do play trombone. And tuba. And sousaphone. And they become astronauts and astronomers and run for president and hope fully, one day, they will learn to become great, not just good - but great in their own private, personal definition of great, not society's. Hopefully one day the generation that has been told they can do anything, will-not because they feel they need to measure up, or be a role model for their gender, or because that's the only way they can gain respect, but because they are following their passion, they want to, because they simply love the sound of low brass. Hopefully one day those who don't remember the days of Old Math (trombones = boys and flutes = girls) will realize that sometimes change starts with a tuba."
She was talking earlier about how her little girl wanted to play the tuba and she thought it was silly because 'girls don't play the tuba.' But she let her and she became this amazing multi-brass talented young lady.
This got me thinking, though. I used to be the kind of kid who'd do things because I wanted to. It didn't matter if people told me that I couldn't do something. I'd do it anyway. (The good things, of course.) I used to not care what everyone else thought. I used to say 'I can too!' and stomp off all excited to prove everyone wrong. I'd play Pokemon at recess because everyone told me I couldn't. I'd try out for things because people told me that I couldn't. But there was always my parents there telling me I could.
Now, here I am heading into the prime years of my life, befuddled because now that I actually can, I'm too scared to. Me, Cassady Christensen, scared out of my mind. Everyone asks me why. Why would I change my mind, why wouldn't I just go for it?
1. What if I'm not strong enough.
2. What if it's not what I'm supposed to do and I make a wrong choice?
3. What if I spend all that time and money working toward that only to find it was a waste of time because I end up figuring out that I want to do something else instead?
4. What if I miss out on another opportunity that was actually the right opportunity when I chose the wrong opportunity?
5. What if I fail?
6. What if I disappoint someone?
What if, what if, what if? BLAH BLAH BLAH!
It's almost like saying "I'll try." You say that because you don't want to disappoint anyone but you know you aren't going to try because it 'really won't work out.'
Well, I've decided I'm going to stop trying. I'm going to start doing. What if that, what if this, WHO CARES!?
Yesterday in Modern II my instructor, Patty, kept saying "Make big mistakes." over and over again when we kept going through a tricky combination. At first I was afraid to make mistakes, especially since after about sixteen years of dance, you'd think I'd be perfect. But, the second time through, I allowed myself to make some mistakes which made my next run-through even better.
So, today, on 11.11.11. I am going to make choices and figure things out. I am going to stop caring what people think, stop loving ghosts, stop saying 'what if' and 'I'll try.' I'm going to start living, start making mistakes, start getting somewhere. Because I want to be my own definition of great and find my passion in life because I WANT to, not because I have to.

GOOD NEEEEEWS!!!!

This week has been an ongoing drag of my long Sunday. And it's only Tuesday...ugh. But, I've had a lot of good news things happen to me in the last two days...
1. I am officially done with physical therapy! Hurrah! I can do all I want now. It still hurts sometimes though. But only about a 2 or 3 out of 10. So I'll just keep icing it and taping it and wrapping it and hope it doesn't rebound. But on the positive note, I'm sure it will keep just getting better. Right?
2. It was warmish today. The sun was out which made it seem warmer, when it really wasn't. But at least it wasn't cloudy! I even opened my blindes to let the light shine in. Didn't even need to turn the light on. :)
3. I've had good meals so far. I've been doing good on my Eat Pray Love mission. The yoga hasn't started yet but I have been trying to take a few moments every day and close my eyes and clear my head. It's been helping me find my balance. Thank goodness. :)
4. I got an unexpected email from a very good friend whom I sort of lost touch with for a while. It was very good to hear from her. :)

5. My friend's sister is getting married this Friday. She took her bridals for her. I decided I could help her out and edit them, so I did. It was a lot of fun. I really enjoyed the process. They said they loved them which made me so happy. :) Here are a few I edited...

6. We got our 3 month schedule for Drill Team and I get the entire week of Thanksgiving off. YAY! This means I get to sleep in for a little bit. How wonderful! :)

7. I achieved a few stunts in Areal today that I have not been able to. I have been struggling with my strength and flexibility. I may not look this amazing, but here are a few of examples as to what I achieved today...

Vertical Spits: I have been struggling with this move for 2-3 weeks now. You hold on with your arms and then bring your leg up to wrap around the fabric. It's all abs and arms. I did it on the first try today. It made me SO HAPPY!!!!

Arrow: This is what you slide down to after vertical splits. It's kind of scary and you don't hold on to anything until after you're all the way down. But it's super fun once you get there.

Flying Squirrel or Half Monty: There are a series of moves you do to get into this position but this is the main point. It is very scary and if you do it at the slightest wrong angle you will fall to your doom. So, I have not had the guts to try it up more than two or three climbs. It's too scary to do from so high. I'm just happy to say "I can do that....he he!"

Anyway...although my spirits might not have been so high and happy today, it was still a good day. Who knows, maybe tomorrow will be better...



Hungry for My Buddies

Today I have been very hungry. But for the lack of my self control over the weekend, I have decided to eat as healthy as I can without starving myself to death. It's very hard considering my metabolism runs a hundred miles a minute and I'm constantly thinking about food. Seriously, though. I think my daily thoughts go like this:
"Hungry. Need food."
"I need to do the laundry."
"Hungry...."
"I wonder what Caitlin's doing..."
"Hungry."
"Crap. What am I going to have for dinner....hmmmm."
"Hungry."
"I need to do my english homework and go over the dance for drill...oh crap. But I'm too hungry to worry about that right now."
And so on.
It's like a never ending train of foodfoodfood. So, as we speak, I am forcing a protein bar down my throat and I think I'll down it with a few grapes. That should last me at least ten minutes, right?
So yesterday I was having a very bad moment and feeling all sorry for myself because I felt so alone as if I hadn't a friend in the world that I could talk to who would know exactly what to say. All those friends are either far away or no longer existant in my life. So, I sat on my bed. And cried. Then I checked my email. And cried. Then I read Elder Alsop's email. And cried. And then I read my patriarchal blessing. And cried. Then I wrote in my journal. And cried some more. Then I texted Madi Minor one of my very best BFFFFFs. Which made me cry even more because it made me realize how truely far away she is. Then, I thought about writing Elder Alsop another letter. So I did. I still cried. But there was something in his letter that made me feel sooooooooooo darn stupid. At the end he said something about how Jesus loves us (or me, in this case). I seriously wanted to smack myself in the face. I was like, "What the heck, Cassady. You are SO stupid." So, I read my scriptures and said my prayers and very soon I stopped crying and fell right to sleep. Thank goodness for that one friend who won't ever leave, even though He's kind of far away, too. :)
P.S. I'm feeling much better today. Except my feet are cold. I think I need to get my super duper warm socks next time I go home.
Some of the people I miss...

Of course there are many more. You know whho you are.

I Want to Be Deryll When I Grow Up

Last week in my Modern Dance II class, we had a chatting session with this choreographer. His name is Darell (pronounced D-ER-E-LL) and he graduated from Julliard and has done many Broadway productions. He told us a brief synopses of his life story and then we were able to ask him questions which he would answer in great detail. I wanted to write down some of the things he said. I wish I had had a pen and paper with me when I was there, but I did not. So, sadly I have forgotten a lot of what was said, but I will try to remember . . .

Q: You talked earlier about following your heart. How do you get to the point where you an trust your gut feeling?

A: It is not something that you grow accustomed to. You have to just go for things. If it's the wrong choice, then you will know what that disappointment and sort of "failure" feels like. Then, the next time you go to make a choice, think of how that gut feeling felt last time you made the wrong choice and it will help you to make the right decision. You are never going to fully trust yourself. We are all human and we have that constant doubt, especially about our own abilities. But if you don't try, then how will you ever know?

Q: Can you tell us about the rejection process in the dance world?

A: Rejection is something that is everywhere in our industry. We are constantly having to stay up on our A game in order to stay fresh and able to compete with the next "best" person. If you go and try out for something it's most likely a 50/50 chance of success. If you get rejected then it's okay to take a day or two to let the sadness take its toll. Everyone has a hard time with rejection. There is no point in trying to hide the fact that you are hurt. Pretending to just shrug it off does not make you strong. What makes you strong is when you let yourself have a few days, eat some Ben and Jerry's, relax, take a break. But then after a little while you have to let that invisible hand pull your shoulders back and stand you up. You have to move forward. But be patient with yourself.

Q: How do you dress for auditions:

A: Auditions are scary, but you have to stick out. You have to be on top of your A game and stand out. Wear something that is easy for you to move in. You don't want to show up in tights and a leotard with a bun if you aren't comfortable in that. And really, I bet no one is comfortable in that. If you want to wear a leo and tights go ahead but you want to look professional, presentable, comfortable, and confident. Wear blacks and greys if you want but also wear a splash of color to stand out. Wear a color that you like.

Q: What makes a dancer stand out?

A: I think that every dancer who truly loves to dance has that quiet fire in them. It's in their eyes. It shines when they move. They have this sort of hunger that they don't care if they are a good dancer, they just want to dance and try to become good at it in the process. They don't care what others think. They just move. They don't compare themselves in a negative way. They always have that constant quiet fire inside of them reaching to burn something else. They don't dance for anyone but themselves.

ADVICE: Don't be ashamed of your roots. Own them. Be not necessarily proud of them but confident that those are the things that shaped you into what you are and continue to shape you into what you will become.

I don't know how to explain it. But his presence alone was just powerful. He had so much confidence. I got to watch him work with the Dance Ensemble for a while one night. I was so amazed at how someone like that could come out of anyone in the world. They just have to work for it. They have to work to become what they want. He has had to work his whole life, but he got to where he wanted anyway. I can't wait to be in his shoes . . . someday. First, I have to figure out exactly what I want to be when I grow up. ;)