I have a class called The Creative Process. It's a prerequisite for Choreography (which I am absolutely nervous and so excited for). We have been reading this book called "Creative Is A Verb" by Patti Digh. I have fallen in love with this book. It has helped me realize so much about myself as a human being, a girl, and an artist that I may have not figured out.
There's one particular part or two that have struck me the last few days...
"Turns out that girls do play trombone. And tuba. And sousaphone. And they become astronauts and astronomers and run for president and hope fully, one day, they will learn to become great, not just good - but great in their own private, personal definition of great, not society's. Hopefully one day the generation that has been told they can do anything, will-not because they feel they need to measure up, or be a role model for their gender, or because that's the only way they can gain respect, but because they are following their passion, they want to, because they simply love the sound of low brass. Hopefully one day those who don't remember the days of Old Math (trombones = boys and flutes = girls) will realize that sometimes change starts with a tuba."
She was talking earlier about how her little girl wanted to play the tuba and she thought it was silly because 'girls don't play the tuba.' But she let her and she became this amazing multi-brass talented young lady.
This got me thinking, though. I used to be the kind of kid who'd do things because I wanted to. It didn't matter if people told me that I couldn't do something. I'd do it anyway. (The good things, of course.) I used to not care what everyone else thought. I used to say 'I can too!' and stomp off all excited to prove everyone wrong. I'd play Pokemon at recess because everyone told me I couldn't. I'd try out for things because people told me that I couldn't. But there was always my parents there telling me I could.
Now, here I am heading into the prime years of my life, befuddled because now that I actually can, I'm too scared to. Me, Cassady Christensen, scared out of my mind. Everyone asks me why. Why would I change my mind, why wouldn't I just go for it?
1. What if I'm not strong enough.
2. What if it's not what I'm supposed to do and I make a wrong choice?
3. What if I spend all that time and money working toward that only to find it was a waste of time because I end up figuring out that I want to do something else instead?
4. What if I miss out on another opportunity that was actually the right opportunity when I chose the wrong opportunity?
5. What if I fail?
6. What if I disappoint someone?
What if, what if, what if? BLAH BLAH BLAH!
It's almost like saying "I'll try." You say that because you don't want to disappoint anyone but you know you aren't going to try because it 'really won't work out.'
Well, I've decided I'm going to stop trying. I'm going to start doing. What if that, what if this, WHO CARES!?
Yesterday in Modern II my instructor, Patty, kept saying "Make big mistakes." over and over again when we kept going through a tricky combination. At first I was afraid to make mistakes, especially since after about sixteen years of dance, you'd think I'd be perfect. But, the second time through, I allowed myself to make some mistakes which made my next run-through even better.
So, today, on 11.11.11. I am going to make choices and figure things out. I am going to stop caring what people think, stop loving ghosts, stop saying 'what if' and 'I'll try.' I'm going to start living, start making mistakes, start getting somewhere. Because I want to be my own definition of great and find my passion in life because I WANT to, not because I have to.