I feel like I've been holding on to a misguided ghost. Someone and something that has stayed with me somehow that I need to let go.
I am happy. I am. I have no reason not to be. I have a wonderful life. I have amazing parents and friends. I have the best life I could have persuing an education and having a comfortable living space with food and enough money that I won't starve or go cold. I have so many opportunities in front of me. Everything is laid out ahead of me. I just have to pick a way.
I have been struggling with what to do with my life lately. Figuring out what you want to do for the rest of your life doesn't come easily. I have been back and fourth with dance, make-up, and photography, not knowing which way to go. It doesn't matter what choice I pick or what inspiration I feel I get from God as he leads me down what ever path I need to wander, I always feel like I'm making the wrong choice.
I was talking with my dear friend, Caitlin on Monday night after FHE and she said something that hit me hard enough that I understood exactly what my problem has been.
I have been holding on to something from the past that is holding me back. Subconsiously of course. But still, holding on to it. I had an experience that hurt me so badly that I haven't been able to let it go because I haven't admitted to myself that it actually hurt me.
I have been too stubborn and have put on such a facad with myself that I didn't realize I felt the way I did until someone told me so.
I thought I needed closure over the situation in order to understand exactly what happened to make sense of it in my own mind. But, I realize now that sometimes closure comes from God and no one else. And it doesn't matter how long I wait, I can't wait anymore. There's no point in waiting on something that I have to do alone. This is the only thing holding me back from finding my true self, my true potential.
So, tomorrow is a new day, and it is the begining of the new me. The improved me. The true me without anyone to hold me back.
It won't be easy. And this may take some time.
But it will be well worth it in the end, how ever far away or close the end is.
Caitlin's right, I'm stronger than I think I am. I just haven't quite realized it yet.