Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Venting and A Realization

So my roommates and I are in here (AKA: My apt. room) having a chat. Because one of my girl friends is going through a hard time right now. You know, boys....sigh. The thing is that I wonder if they realize how hard they make it on us. I mean, I know it goes both ways but really? Really?
Caitlin's boyfriend is leaving on a mission in about nine months. So, she and him are going through one of those 'goodbye' moments. It's hard, I admit. It's hard watching them go through this, but I feel like it's the best thing right now for them.
Kimmie was telling her about her hand cart analogy....
She says that it's like the Women's Pull. Your boys are there to help you at the beginning or at certain points and time. They eventually have to leave for whatever reason. You are suddenly all by yourself with this heavy hand cart. You have to pull it through rivers, the snow, mud, rain, and blistering heat all by yourself. Sometimes you may have another women help you for just one moment. These little things and the tender mercies of the Lord are what pull you through this time as you are on your own. He makes it so you grow and become what He wants you to be so that you are ready for your man's return. There are moments when you can pick things up and throw them in your cart, though. They are your choice and you have to deal with carrying that extra weight. But you can always pick it back up and throw it out of your cart to lighten the weight. It's all up to you.
When your Knight In Shining Armor arrives all refined and shining and smiling with his gorgeous, worthy, sparkling pearly whites and all he has to offer, he will take hold of your cart help you pull it. Maybe he will even attach his steed to the cart. Maybe he will pick you up and let you ride in it for a little while. Either way, he will come and he will help you pull your cart. You won't be there pulling it all by yourself as long as you are doing what you need to in order to meet him eye to eye when he shows up.
( I threw a lot of my own analogies in there, too. But oh-well. It doesn't matter.)
So, this made me realize that even though I may feel a little...okay...A LOT....lonely sometimes and I may not have that certain someone to talk to or to wipe my tears away, or to tell me to stop worrying when I don't need to anymore, eventually I will have that. I will. And I'm not ready for it right now. That's why I don't have it. That's why I don't want to.
The other day I was having a conversation with my mom. It went something like this:
"Don't worry, Hun. Your knight in shining armor will come someday, too." Said She.
"No he won't mom. Because he fell off his steed and it ran him over." Said I.
She laughed. I did too, a little, I have to admit.
So, today I have decided that even though my trust is unyielding and my heart may be locked behind layers of bars and cement, someone will eventually find the key and get a drill and break through it all and get me to open up. Because they were supposed to. Because they're the only one who could do that. OR it's because he will prepare me for the next one to come along who needed me to have an open heart in order to receive his love at the right time instead of being deathly afraid of it.
So, today, I am finally open to the idea that I will eventually be married in the temple to the man of my dreams who will make me angry, sad, worried, but always happy and love me forever.  (yes, mom. You can no longer be worried. But you ARE allowed to be shocked.)
He won't care if I cry during a good movie.
He will love me so much he would be happy to take me to the Ballet just because it'd make me smile.
 He will build me a house if I asked him, because he would want me to be safe and warm.
 He would never let me cry alone, even if I asked him to go away.
He won't care if I hum random tunes to keep myself entertained.
 He won't care that I'm not that homey, but will recognize that I will try my best.
 He won't care if I don't cry in front of anyone but him (and maybe my parents).
 He will respect me because he wants to.
He will tell me i'm not pretty, but beautiful, even when I just wake up or when I'm sick, or when I'm having one of my 'sweats and no make-up' days.
He will love me just because I'm me and that's all he wanted in the first place: me.
I can't wait to meet him, but I have to see the world first. :)

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Commence Opperation: Eat, Pray, Love

I have had a lot on my mind the last little while. I feel like I am not able to speak my feelings or my thoughts. It's like my entire being is tongue tied and I can't figure out how to unto the knot. I have been feeling so sad. But I don't have very many reasons to be sad. Only a few and they shouldn't put a damper on my mood like they have been. Should they? I don't know. I just don't know anymore.
I was sitting in the Institute building at a carnival tonight when I had an epiphany. . . What if I took the things that Julia Roberts character does in Eat Pray Love and modified them for my life?
If you have not seen the movie, it is about a soul searching woman who decides to travel to three different countries in the space of a year. She goes to Italy to gain back her appetite for food and for life. She travels to India to visit an Ashram and learn how to think clearly, and forgive herself for the things she's holding on to. She finally goes to Bali where she visits and old friend and learns more about herself and learns how to trust herself and trust others again.
Since I cannot travel to Italy at this present time, I have decided to do something a little different. I have decided to eat healthier. I am a pretty healthy eater as it is, but I have decided to watch my portions. If I get hungry I'll snack more on veggies and fruits. I'll eat protein bars to keep my hunger in check and try and have an egg and toast for breakfast in the mornings every now and again.

I am going to start meditating and maybe doing Yoga on my free Saturday Mornings or before bed every now and again. Not anything long. Just a few balancing and stretching exercises and then meditate for at least ten minutes. (I figure the meditating part could be good for Sunday's.) Hopefully this will help clear my mind and maybe help me listen a little more to the Holy Ghost with all the quiet around me.

I have no medicine man to visit and no Brazilian man to fall in love with and dramatically change my outlook on them. So, I have decided that I am going to pray more fervently. I pray, yes, but I could do better. I have also decided to write in my journal once a week or twice a month. Last but not least, I am going to write down one good thing that happens every day before bed. I am also going to try and finish Life of Pie.

Here is my good thought for today:
  It's raining outside just for me. It's even the perfect temperature for rain, not too hot, not too cold. Jacket weather. Just right.

I hope this helps me. I guess we will see. I think it might be kind of fun. :)

P.S. Smile with your head, with your heart, even smile with your liver. :D

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Two Down, A Million to Go

Yesterday I crossed to things off my bucket list at once:
1. See Ballet West perform at least once in my life.
2. See a professional performance in the Capitol Theatre.

There's nothing like the hustle and bussle of a performance.
From the Dancer's Point of view:
Everything is fast. You wake up and before you know it it's time to be there.
You rush to get there, making sure you aren't forgetting anything. Including extra bobby pins, safety pins, hair spray, and lip stick.
You walk through the stage door and everything is instantly chaos. Everyone is rushing to get their hair and make-up done. You say hi to your fellow Corps De Ballet and rush about back stage, hoping to get everything done before warm up.
you get to warm up and everything seems to calm down, even your heart beat. You focus on you and your body, making sure that you don't miss out on anything it's trying to tell you. You want it to have a healthy, safe performance.
You run through last minute changes and go over spots where mistakes have happened.
You put on your costume, finally looking and feeling like the part you've worked so hard for up until now.
You circle up, point your toe, cross your arms, and say a prayer.
You get some Rassin on your point shoes, hoping you don't get too much to stick or too little to slip. Your heart begins to beat faster and faster. Everyone is running around back stage, hurrying to their Que positions.
The orchestra begins to play and a chill runs from your head to your toes. The curtain opens, your Que goes, and your on stage. Your heart beats with the music, calming itself because it knows you are home.

I went and saw Dracula by Ballet West yesterday with my mom and my good friend Caitlin and her mother. It was so much fun! I couldn't believe I was really there, watching it, until it was over. I felt like a million bucks. I can't dance so seeing someone else dance like that made me feel just a little better. :)

I hope to look like her someday....

Sunday, October 16, 2011

I'll Send You Light and Love and Drop It, And Then I'll Smile, Even With My Liver . . . Without Being Afraid

I woke up this morning, happy. So, I do not understand what is wrong with me now. I am a happy person. Life is wonderful! I honestly have nothing to complain about. I mean, there are stupid things that happen. But bad stuff happens to everyone. So why is it that today I feel like this?
I think it is because everything is catching up to me and I need a break. I need a break from school so I can have time to deep clean my apartment like it so desperately needs. Cleaning helps me think. It's like my way of meditating.
I also think that I am finally realizing that I am so sick and tired of worrying about everything. Lately, everyone I meet tells me how positive and happy I am. They tell me I'm exciting to be around and I can be down to earth. They tell me they enjoy being around me, blah, blah, blah. Well, that's wonderful! I'm so glad that everyone feels good around me. I hope they are being honest. Because I just want to make everyone happy. But I think that there are days when you just need to focus on making yourself happy, without doing it selfishly.
I have not danced all week and when I talked to the head of the Dance Department about it, she said, "You must be going through all of the emotional stuff, too, then, huh?" I about cried because I knew she understood how I felt when I confirmed that I was. Although it may not be what I'm supposed to do in life, how can I not dance? Who would I be without it?
I got a migraine about an hour ago. I felt it coming on and didn't have any Excedrin near by, so I had some water and closed my eyes, and brushed my fingers through my poor, sickly, wonderful, best friend's hair while we watched Eat Pray Love. It's gone now, thank goodness. But it's only gone because I prayed. :)
I don't feel like going to church because I (once again) have no one to sit by. That's okay. I actually don't mind sitting alone all that much. But after a while I'm afraid people are going to look at me sitting alone and wonder what is wrong with me. Ha ha. Once again, I'm worrying.
I had a wonderful night last night, but because my wonderful BF was sick, I was worried about her the entire time. And I'm so afraid to let someone back into my heart that I have had a hard time enjoying the company around me lately. I'm sick and tired of worrying about everything and being too afraid to enjoy the moment and taking a risk at getting hurt.
So, today I am going to watch my Peanuts episode about Halloween like I do every year. I am going to call my mom/dad and possibly my sisters (which, Chrystal and Camyll, I apologize for being a flake. As you can see, I have had no excuse) because I miss them and because I can. And because I need to try and put a little sunshine into someone else's life instead of worrying about my own. I am going to eat the rest of my raspberry's, make a grocery list, make my collage for a class that I completely forgot about (I know Dad, I am supposed to try and avoid Sunday homework, and trust me. This is either the first or second time. So I won't make it a habit, don't worry.) I am going to write another letter to a certain someone. I am going to send them light and love every time I think of them and then drop it. I am going to go to take a bath and maybe write a little of my book I have given up on (but no longer will I give up on something I love, so I'm going to write it no matter who thinks what). I am going to massage my leg with ice because I desperately need it to get better so I can dance again. I am going to edit some pictures from a photo shoot I had with Caitlin (a spontaneous thing. I am beginning to be a spontaneous person....I have to admit it's exciting.) I am going to prepare myself for tomorrow and the next three days of school. I just have to get through two and a half days and then I can drive home and sleep on a comfortable bed and help make dinner and see old friends and feel at home.
I am going to pray better than I have in a while because I owe it to Him, and I am going to write in my journal since I haven't since July.
I'm going to smile with my mind, my heart, and, yes, even with my liver.

Monday, October 10, 2011

What If

I am having one of those days where my heart can't say what it wants.
Because it's scared.
It's not scared of the answer it will recieve or the presents that will come about. It is afraid of the possibility. The possibility of all that hard work of hours and hours, in fact, almost a year...of putting the tiny pieces back together from every other last moment. If I have a first moment, then there will be a last one. But if i keep it all the same, as easy as clockwork, then nothing will happen. And that's the way I want it.
Isn't it?
But what if it isn't?
What if? What if? What if? Who came up with that question? It haunts all my day dreams. What if there were no "what if's?" Then everything would be better. Right? Or wouldn't it?
What if I could wear anything I wanted, even though it didn't match. Or say what I felt, even though no one would agree. Or dance my heart out, even though some would rip me down. What if I ate what I wanted, even though I know it would catch up with me? What if I started taking pictures again, because it's what makes me happy, even though I don't feel as good as someone else. What if I started putting my thoughts down on paper, even though I know they won't come out right. Like right now. What if....that's a big question. One that always needs answering and will never be answered until you put your parachute on and dive.
But what if your parachute doesn't work or you just don't have one?
Then I guess something will turn up. The fear of falling is always there until you hit the ground. But then what?
Do you fall like a leaf and discinigrate or freeze. Or like rain, perfectly clear and splatting on the ground. Or do you fall like a star and dive into some unknown place full of newness. Where will you land? Concrete, grass, snow, dirt, space, in a pile of feathers or on a pillow. In a hole or on a blanket.
Who knows, maybe you'll land on a hot air balloon or grab ahold of a birds feet. Maybe you'll even grow wings of your own.

I guess I'll know when I get there.

Slowing Down to Stop and Smell the Roses

Lately I have been reminded to appriciate the simple things in life. It all started last week when I was reading my scriptures and the thought came to my head to remember the simple things. Then again in institute and in my Creative Process class. Then again on Sunday in Releif Society and then today in my Creative Process class again.
I have noticed so many things. Like how when it snows and it's sunny, the snow flakes look like sparkles floating in the air (reminds me of a precious memory I have with my wonderful dad).  Or how when it's cold, you get to dive into those warm clothes that take up so much space in your closet (yes, hannah. I brought more clothes into my appt. Trust me...NOW it is full. haha). I have noticed how when you have a thought to do something or tell someone something you better do it or beware of letting that precious moment pass you by. Or how I don't get to dance because I am injured, so I watch the faces of the others on my team or in my class and realize that some of them have a passion for it as great as mine. Or how the slightest extention of a body part can make a movement even more beautiful. I have also noticed how a phone call (butt dial or not) is always worth answering when it's from someone you know (good or bad). I have noticed many other things but I'd be here all night if I told you all of them.
So this week, if you are reading this, remember the simple things. I promise, it makes the complicated things seem all that much more exciting and the small things more releiving.