Monday, October 10, 2011

What If

I am having one of those days where my heart can't say what it wants.
Because it's scared.
It's not scared of the answer it will recieve or the presents that will come about. It is afraid of the possibility. The possibility of all that hard work of hours and hours, in fact, almost a year...of putting the tiny pieces back together from every other last moment. If I have a first moment, then there will be a last one. But if i keep it all the same, as easy as clockwork, then nothing will happen. And that's the way I want it.
Isn't it?
But what if it isn't?
What if? What if? What if? Who came up with that question? It haunts all my day dreams. What if there were no "what if's?" Then everything would be better. Right? Or wouldn't it?
What if I could wear anything I wanted, even though it didn't match. Or say what I felt, even though no one would agree. Or dance my heart out, even though some would rip me down. What if I ate what I wanted, even though I know it would catch up with me? What if I started taking pictures again, because it's what makes me happy, even though I don't feel as good as someone else. What if I started putting my thoughts down on paper, even though I know they won't come out right. Like right now. What if....that's a big question. One that always needs answering and will never be answered until you put your parachute on and dive.
But what if your parachute doesn't work or you just don't have one?
Then I guess something will turn up. The fear of falling is always there until you hit the ground. But then what?
Do you fall like a leaf and discinigrate or freeze. Or like rain, perfectly clear and splatting on the ground. Or do you fall like a star and dive into some unknown place full of newness. Where will you land? Concrete, grass, snow, dirt, space, in a pile of feathers or on a pillow. In a hole or on a blanket.
Who knows, maybe you'll land on a hot air balloon or grab ahold of a birds feet. Maybe you'll even grow wings of your own.

I guess I'll know when I get there.

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