Sunday, October 16, 2011

I'll Send You Light and Love and Drop It, And Then I'll Smile, Even With My Liver . . . Without Being Afraid

I woke up this morning, happy. So, I do not understand what is wrong with me now. I am a happy person. Life is wonderful! I honestly have nothing to complain about. I mean, there are stupid things that happen. But bad stuff happens to everyone. So why is it that today I feel like this?
I think it is because everything is catching up to me and I need a break. I need a break from school so I can have time to deep clean my apartment like it so desperately needs. Cleaning helps me think. It's like my way of meditating.
I also think that I am finally realizing that I am so sick and tired of worrying about everything. Lately, everyone I meet tells me how positive and happy I am. They tell me I'm exciting to be around and I can be down to earth. They tell me they enjoy being around me, blah, blah, blah. Well, that's wonderful! I'm so glad that everyone feels good around me. I hope they are being honest. Because I just want to make everyone happy. But I think that there are days when you just need to focus on making yourself happy, without doing it selfishly.
I have not danced all week and when I talked to the head of the Dance Department about it, she said, "You must be going through all of the emotional stuff, too, then, huh?" I about cried because I knew she understood how I felt when I confirmed that I was. Although it may not be what I'm supposed to do in life, how can I not dance? Who would I be without it?
I got a migraine about an hour ago. I felt it coming on and didn't have any Excedrin near by, so I had some water and closed my eyes, and brushed my fingers through my poor, sickly, wonderful, best friend's hair while we watched Eat Pray Love. It's gone now, thank goodness. But it's only gone because I prayed. :)
I don't feel like going to church because I (once again) have no one to sit by. That's okay. I actually don't mind sitting alone all that much. But after a while I'm afraid people are going to look at me sitting alone and wonder what is wrong with me. Ha ha. Once again, I'm worrying.
I had a wonderful night last night, but because my wonderful BF was sick, I was worried about her the entire time. And I'm so afraid to let someone back into my heart that I have had a hard time enjoying the company around me lately. I'm sick and tired of worrying about everything and being too afraid to enjoy the moment and taking a risk at getting hurt.
So, today I am going to watch my Peanuts episode about Halloween like I do every year. I am going to call my mom/dad and possibly my sisters (which, Chrystal and Camyll, I apologize for being a flake. As you can see, I have had no excuse) because I miss them and because I can. And because I need to try and put a little sunshine into someone else's life instead of worrying about my own. I am going to eat the rest of my raspberry's, make a grocery list, make my collage for a class that I completely forgot about (I know Dad, I am supposed to try and avoid Sunday homework, and trust me. This is either the first or second time. So I won't make it a habit, don't worry.) I am going to write another letter to a certain someone. I am going to send them light and love every time I think of them and then drop it. I am going to go to take a bath and maybe write a little of my book I have given up on (but no longer will I give up on something I love, so I'm going to write it no matter who thinks what). I am going to massage my leg with ice because I desperately need it to get better so I can dance again. I am going to edit some pictures from a photo shoot I had with Caitlin (a spontaneous thing. I am beginning to be a spontaneous person....I have to admit it's exciting.) I am going to prepare myself for tomorrow and the next three days of school. I just have to get through two and a half days and then I can drive home and sleep on a comfortable bed and help make dinner and see old friends and feel at home.
I am going to pray better than I have in a while because I owe it to Him, and I am going to write in my journal since I haven't since July.
I'm going to smile with my mind, my heart, and, yes, even with my liver.

1 comment:

  1. Loved talking to you today on the phone. Sister chats always cheer me up! :) I'm sorry you've been worrying so much. You gotta learn to not sweat the small stuff--seriously. And even some of the big stuff too. Things usually have a way of working out, so don't worry so much! I hope you're able to dance again soon because I know how much that means to you. Your blog sounds like you're homesick. Easy to get that way--I should know living over 2,000 miles away from you! You're doing the right thing by trying to focus on others and on projects and such. Keeping busy is the only way to combat homesickness, that I know of. I'm glad to hear you're praying and reading scriptures. So proud of you, Sis! Hang in there--two more months and it's Christmas vacation party time!!! :) :) :) XOXO Love, Chrystal