So my roommates and I are in here (AKA: My apt. room) having a chat. Because one of my girl friends is going through a hard time right now. You know, boys....sigh. The thing is that I wonder if they realize how hard they make it on us. I mean, I know it goes both ways but really? Really?
Caitlin's boyfriend is leaving on a mission in about nine months. So, she and him are going through one of those 'goodbye' moments. It's hard, I admit. It's hard watching them go through this, but I feel like it's the best thing right now for them.
Kimmie was telling her about her hand cart analogy....
She says that it's like the Women's Pull. Your boys are there to help you at the beginning or at certain points and time. They eventually have to leave for whatever reason. You are suddenly all by yourself with this heavy hand cart. You have to pull it through rivers, the snow, mud, rain, and blistering heat all by yourself. Sometimes you may have another women help you for just one moment. These little things and the tender mercies of the Lord are what pull you through this time as you are on your own. He makes it so you grow and become what He wants you to be so that you are ready for your man's return. There are moments when you can pick things up and throw them in your cart, though. They are your choice and you have to deal with carrying that extra weight. But you can always pick it back up and throw it out of your cart to lighten the weight. It's all up to you.
When your Knight In Shining Armor arrives all refined and shining and smiling with his gorgeous, worthy, sparkling pearly whites and all he has to offer, he will take hold of your cart help you pull it. Maybe he will even attach his steed to the cart. Maybe he will pick you up and let you ride in it for a little while. Either way, he will come and he will help you pull your cart. You won't be there pulling it all by yourself as long as you are doing what you need to in order to meet him eye to eye when he shows up.
( I threw a lot of my own analogies in there, too. But oh-well. It doesn't matter.)
So, this made me realize that even though I may feel a little...okay...A LOT....lonely sometimes and I may not have that certain someone to talk to or to wipe my tears away, or to tell me to stop worrying when I don't need to anymore, eventually I will have that. I will. And I'm not ready for it right now. That's why I don't have it. That's why I don't want to.
The other day I was having a conversation with my mom. It went something like this:
"Don't worry, Hun. Your knight in shining armor will come someday, too." Said She.
"No he won't mom. Because he fell off his steed and it ran him over." Said I.
She laughed. I did too, a little, I have to admit.
So, today I have decided that even though my trust is unyielding and my heart may be locked behind layers of bars and cement, someone will eventually find the key and get a drill and break through it all and get me to open up. Because they were supposed to. Because they're the only one who could do that. OR it's because he will prepare me for the next one to come along who needed me to have an open heart in order to receive his love at the right time instead of being deathly afraid of it.
So, today, I am finally open to the idea that I will eventually be married in the temple to the man of my dreams who will make me angry, sad, worried, but always happy and love me forever. (yes, mom. You can no longer be worried. But you ARE allowed to be shocked.)
He won't care if I cry during a good movie.
He will love me so much he would be happy to take me to the Ballet just because it'd make me smile.
He will build me a house if I asked him, because he would want me to be safe and warm.
He would never let me cry alone, even if I asked him to go away.
He won't care if I hum random tunes to keep myself entertained.
He won't care that I'm not that homey, but will recognize that I will try my best.
He won't care if I don't cry in front of anyone but him (and maybe my parents).
He will respect me because he wants to.
He will tell me i'm not pretty, but beautiful, even when I just wake up or when I'm sick, or when I'm having one of my 'sweats and no make-up' days.
He will love me just because I'm me and that's all he wanted in the first place: me.
I can't wait to meet him, but I have to see the world first. :)