Monday, December 5, 2011

I Can See Clearly Now the Rain Is Gone

Today is the day. It has finally come.
I was looking through my pictures today. Trying to find good ones for a special something. I came across pictures I did not even know I had, pictures I thought were lost. There were people who I missed are remembered. I realized how far I have come and noticed the little choices I made between each picture. They were all so different, each capturing a different moment of my life, of someone elses life.
I have had such a good life.
I realized that today.
So many things have CHANGED around me, inside of me, beneath the very souls of my feet, even.
I am not one who adapts well to change. But I am learning how. I am experiencing change almost every day. Something always pops up.
I've realized change is GOOD. It is. I promise. ( I will keep having to tell myself this...)
I knew it before, but I guess I never really KNEW it like I do now.
It just hit me like a ton of bricks . . . or maybe something heavier . . .
I was in astonished perplexity, just staring back and fourth between photographs, carefully taking note of events and memories and people that floated by each one.
I have accomplished so much, gained so much, have been blessed with so much.
Life is hard sometimes, especially lately. But I find that it is hard because of MYSELF.
The word STRESS is no longer in my vocabulary.
The unfortunate lack of confidence you will no longer find.
I am a new person. And it has taken me many months to realize how much I have changed for the better.
Sometimes I get lonely.
Sometimes I cry, yes.
But I am HUMAN.
I am going to keep believing in LUCK and LOVE and hearty LAUGHTER.
I believe in FATE, REASONING, and more than anything . . . CREATIVITY.
I have finally decided that it is OK to be HUMAN. It is what God intended us to be. Spiritual human beings with wonderful bodies that can run, jump, leap, and even climb Ariel fabrics.
The last year has made me a better person, the last eighteen years, actually.
I have not been grateful like I should have been, or kind, or patient, especially not with myself.
Well, that is all changing today.
Because I realized that I am a daughter of God and that it is only HIS opinion of me that matters.
I am destined for my own kind of GREATNESS of which I have already been working toward.
I am a happy person with a happy heart. And that's all I want to be: Happy.
Something fell off my shoulders today. Maybe it fell off a while ago.
I dunno.
But I realized today that it was gone. That the pain will aways be there, but the heaviness won't.
                                                    Because I won't let it.
                                                                                Because I am strong.
Because I have every right to live the way I believe the way I should.
I have every right to become who I want to be without having to worry about what everyone else thinks of my hair, my clothes, my pale-red freckly skin, or my large range of emotion.
I feel things deeply, I listen to things in a different way. I see through the lens of a camera, and just because I am different does not make me DIFFERENT.
                        I am me.
                                            I am healing.
                                                                       I am happy.
I am going to conquer the world at in my own little way.
                                                                                                              No questions asked.

"Sometimes I just WANT to be
PASSIONATE about something.
I DON'T even KNOW if it's DANCE.
else that comes CLOSE."
I read this today:
     "There, there just in the doorway of Room 119. I can almost see what would have been, what almost was, what might have been if she had said yes instead of no to life. In Room 141. I can only yet see what was; the down-turn of our mouths at that age tells much about how we have worn our faces through time. We cover and cover and cover regrets with thicker paint, until we can paint no more, our hands too arthritic to hold the brush; it all falls away."
       -Pattyi Digh (Creative Is A Verb)
It's time. No more living in the past or the future.
                                      Just the now.

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